Category Archives: Personal

About me and/or for my benefit

A “Mom-Song”

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I don’t know who wrote this. I first heard it on my sister’s tape, Dreamer: What Really Happened to Joseph

The sentiments of each line are not equally true for me each time I sing it (I’ve taken to skipping the “trying by myself” line, since I try hard not to), but over-all the lyrics and the tone (and my long association with it) make it a good piece for the middle of the night.

And for those times of a baby’s inconsolable tears.

Everything I Need
Lord I need you to be all the gentleness in me.
I’ve been trying by myself, struggling all alone.
From the very start I knew that I must depend on you.
Here I am, “depending on,” the rest is up to you.

Chorus
You’re everything I need for You to be.
You’re everything that shines inside of me.
*And I will have the strength to do
All you ask of me.*
I will always let you be
Everything I need for you to be.

Finding and Changing Plans

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I got some books about Charlotte Mason from the library today. Along with a book that was very helpful when I used it two years ago. I’m hoping for some solidity in homeschooling expectations and help with my current sleep-debt.

Obviously my high-minded “reading-plan” has gone out the window. For now.

Not that it actually bothers me. Just that I’m continuing on as I have been. Doing what I want most to do at the moment.

It works for me a lot of the time, but calling it what it is (immediate gratification) always makes me uncomfortable.

I recognize it is a pattern of behavior– maybe even a mindset– that I struggle with, but because it works more than half the time, it is a very hard habit to break.

Those people who don’t want to talk to their kids about pot because it makes them feel like hypocrites? That’s the way I feel sometimes when I ask the girls to set something aside for later.

By the same token, I still do it, hoping they won’t end up with the same struggle I have. It’s hard to decide what to do sometimes.

Does Anyone Know How to Single-task?

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  • Unless I’m about to fall off the bed from sleep-deprivation, I’m either writing or reading while I nurse.
  • If I’m snuggling my girls during one of their movies, I’m often looking at a book or the newspaper too.
  • I talk on the phone while helping my girls with a new craft project
  • And I’m usually “wearing” at least one of my kids half the day while I do everything else.

I was just reading another one of those savor-every-moment posts somewhere, and wondered how I can quit doing so much at once. I actually do have snippits in my day where I am with only one child.

I want to make the most of that.

But how do I fight the “withdrawal” or pull, back to mindlessly established patterns?

I’m starting with prayer tonight, but beyond that, I’m really not sure.

Finding the Perfect Gifts

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I have always loved giving (and receiving) things that are *just right* so now I take notes.

If you have some kind of hand-held computer (I carry a Palm Pilot) designate some findable corner as the “gifts” section.

For my husband I have a section where I note what he has admired, or the type of music he’s been most interested in lately (and anything new I’ve learned about him that could turn into a gift idea).

For a while I had the model# of his electric shaver, because he commented on how much he loved the shaving heads when they were new. I’d check that aisle when ever I went shopping to see if they were on sale.

I also know what kind of orange juice and ice cream topping is his favorite “splurge,” for those times I want to make him feel special without spending a lot of money.

I don’t need to write those things in my palm (yet), but they follow the same principle: be a careful observer of those special to you, and the odds are good they’ll “tell” you what gifts will be significant to them.

(More ideas for the steadily approaching Valentine’s Day at Rocks in my Dryer.)

Tonic for the “drags”

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I don’t know what everybody else calls it. I talk about someone being in a funk. I say I’m feeling “dragy.” Basically it’s that not- feeling-like-doing-anything that isn’t (I think) quite depression.

I was brainstorming about useful things to do when “down in the dumps” (another descriptor), and was surprised with how much I came up with. (This originally began as a comment elsewhere). So here’s my list of tips:

  • Put on “happy music,” whatever that is for you.
    • I found my happy music was the stuff I listened to in High School or college and hadn’t heard in a long time. It brought me a startling joy.
    • Pick music from a light era of yours.
    • A book I’ve been reading recently describes the reason books get fatter as you read them is because it preserves a part of you between the pages– like a pressed plant– the you that was, at the time you read it, and you see that former self whenever you re-read. That’s the way of me and music too.
    • ETA: Classical or folk instrumentals collected for children are a fantastic pick-me-up.

My dad loaned me the “Rhythmically Moving” series from his classroom for the summer– my kids had heard something on the radio they’d wanted to hear again.

I put the first one on while I was stressed-out and racing to finish dinner. Almost instantly I had to laugh. My mind was rebelling at the cognitive dissonance between my mood and the atmosphere. It was nearly like being in a river and resisting being moved by it.

Didn’t “fix” my stress, but it made me smile, even laugh, and that had to be healthy.

  • Start a new book, even if you haven’t finished your current one.
    • Anything you’re interested in will do, as long as you don’t feel obligated to finish it if it doesn’t suit you.
    • It may take a couple tries to find the right fit. (Write me if you want suggestions ;-))
    • This is where Books-on-tape are so essential to me now– with the three little ones I frequently feel I’m stealing from them to sit and read a whole novel.
  • Read “Good Poems” or Poem a Day V. 1.
    • Both of those are great for finding concise (no pages-long), interesting poems.
    • I’ve found the right poems to be tonic to me, because they were a sort of deep-thought pizza: Delivering filling new ideas and ways of looking at things, sparing me the effort of looking (cooking) for myself.
    • Very good for when I’m tired and can’t focus on longer or “more meaningful” works.
  • Do mindless research about something that interests you but you can’t act on.
      • I read about new-born and toddler care while I was pregnant the first time.
      • Last fall (after Grandma died) I started reading a lot about dogs. Still do, occasionally– though I won’t be able to get one until the end of April. Or later.
    • I found this activity helpful because engaged my mind without the obligation to do more. I couldn’t/can’t do more at the time of the research.

These probably won’t pull you out of a funk (If you can get the energy to clean, the activity and the result very frequently can), but they will help you tread water while you’re there. Sort of help keep you afloat.

There are those times when that’s all you’re looking for.

Defining Goals

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I think the thing the struck me most about the INFJ-personality description (the result I got back when I wrote this post), was the part about continually re-evaluating how you do things

They (INFJs) put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives.

I can’t say how reassuring it was to read that. There is a population where this is just the “normal.” Constantly I would overswear that now I have found the way I want to do things, and can *quit* wasting time reevaluating how things should be done.

“Not being the only one” has only sometimes been reassuring when going through various trials (like waiting and grief). More helpful to me are the precise words of those others, articulating what I’m feeling, so my (frequently tired) mind can can grasp a clear image and rest, without the time and effort of doing it myself.

All that said, I felt strangely justified in reevaluating yet again. Most of my goals have to do with my home life, which I don’t go into detail about here, but for the sake of completeness here’s the broad picture:

  • Short-term: Create more structure to the children’s and my day.

  • Medium-term: Get Novel presentable

    • Have rough draft of Lindorm story completed by July. (earlier w/ an extra revision included would be nice/ideal)
    • Have at least one revision by Editor’s Day, September 22

  • Long-term: Work in daily habits to make natural and make life easier

Having a deadline (for the novel) is helpful for me. Makes things more concrete, and that’s always seemed helpful for me. These goals also put the novel in context with the rest of my goals, which keeps me from compartmentalizing too much.

Thinking About What Children’s Songs are Saying

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(I can’t believe this is my first post about music. Music is a *big* part of my life. But so is eating, and sleeping, and I don’t blog about those, so… Anyway.)

As a word-person I’ve always been very clear on any song’s lyric and content before letting my kids hear me sing it. My tip/challenge (as the nit-picky, literal-interpretor I can be):

Don’t just sing “children’s” songs because they’re children’s songs. Make sure you agree with their message too.

Many of them are sweet, and we can sing things that go over their heads if we feel like it, but at least let’s not be unaware.

The types of things I’ve modified:

  • Down by the Bay— the fun rhyming-song Raffi made popular (I’m not sure who wrote it.)
    • DH inserted, “back to my home I want to go” (replacing “Back to my home I dare not go.” Don’t we want our kids thinking coming home will be fun?).
  • Row Your Boat
    • Changed the last line to “life is full of dreams” (replacing “Life is but a dream,” an unhealthy philosophy that’s been around for centuries.)
  • Lavender’s Blue (dilly dilly)
    • “Call out your men, set them to work… while you and I… keep ourselves warm.”  (Oh, look, a new euphemism for Mom and Dad  to use.)
    • It makes me smile but also is something I don’t much want my kids singing.

Am I word-obsessed? You could argue that. Over-analyzing?  Probably.

But these are words I’m planting in my young children’s minds as the way things are. They know the bit about “A llama eating pajamas” is nonsense, because of the context, but they are only just entering the age where we can say, this part is real, and this part isn’t. And I’ve been singing to them their whole lives.

And they’re *really* not ready to understand that philosophy (somebody want to remind me of the name? I’ve mis-placed my book).

I prefer just to avoid the stuff I don’t want to explain later. And that, I guess, is my “standard” for now.

More ideas at Rocks in my Dryer.

~~~

Added 2-3-07:

If you’re looking for a playable collection of children’s songs here are a bunch with chords.

First Fig

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My candle burns at both ends;
It will not last the night;
But, ah, my foes, and oh, my friends
It gives a lovely light!

Edna St. Vincent Millay

This summarizes quite well the lunacy being enacted as I write now. I am stretched beyond words (physically, that is), but I can’t want to go to bed. After I post this I will be working on my novel until I can’t see straight or until Jay comes in from the garage. Which ever happens first.

Currently he is disassembling his baptized snowmachine. Snowmobile, for you non-Alaskans. (Though he did get a nice picture of the freshly changed headlight fluid first.) He says he wants to get the engine to turn over before he comes to bed. I have prayed. And now my thoughts are too thick.

I learned in November I can still write in this mind-state though.

A Dog as a Symbol

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I wrote earlier my attempt to explain this desire for a dog, and have continued to pick away at it. I have to admit that part of the reason is this idea that getting a dog symbolizes for me (much as getting a diet book does for other parts of the population) beginning, even enabling, a healthier lifestyle.

Enabling, because I’d be willing to do things I won’t currently, like going out to run alone.

The question, then, is: Is this a good enough reason? I’m praying about that, because, by itself, I tend to think not. But I also think there are other reasons than this.

~~~

So I said last time that dogs that can’t be trusted off-leash were off my list. And, yes, I do have a list.

Actually my desires have shifted between a specific breed, a combination of characteristics, and a breed with those characteristics.

Jay likes the idea of my having a list.

J: Maybe this way we’ll wait longer before getting a dog.
A: Either that, or we’ll know God really wants us to have one.

But my current image, while I have a breed in mind (Brittany), is more about age and accomplishments. I would *love* to find a dog at a similar level of training as the dog we re-homed a year ago.

But here’s what we’ve talked about:

  • Running
  • Skijoring
  • Frisbee
  • Tracking

Tracking I haven’t done before, but I think would be really fun. Retrieving is rather a given, like obedience training, since my girls really got into throwing while we had our cat.

Stop it. We did not let them throw the cat.

He didn’t retrieve, of course, but he did chase balls down the hall, to the girls’ great delight.