Category Archives: Random

Inoffensive Arguing

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I think all of us here know the “rule” about using “I-statements” in arguments and discussions, rather than “you-statements.”

“I feel…” instead of “You’re *wrong*”

I knew a guy in college that I once out-argued and he sputtered for a moment before collecting himself and sagely observing, “Well, you are un-wrong in that instance.”

I realized today that there are those for whom refraining from saying You’re wrong is not enough.  These people feel it’s part of the same, basic politeness for me to acknowledge their side has an equal legitimacy; an equal chance of being correct.

And if I’m being *really* polite I might hint the other person’s idea has the tiniest bit of upper hand because I’m less-open minded and perhaps might not notice if I were wrong.

Anyway, there are probably topics where this kind of exchange would be possible.  The problem is, I don’t think it would occur to me to discuss them, because I wouldn’t see them having a lot of significance.

There are things I will “go to the wall” on.  And while I won’t usually say that exact phrase without being asked, I am not going to pretend anything contradictory is of equal importance.  Even to be polite.

Nesting

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I have been *totally* nesting today: dishes all washed, kids rooms cleaned, laundry all folded and put away.

It has nothing to do with being pregnant (because I’m not), but it’s helped me understand why I *hated* the term nesting when I was pregnant.

I only remember one specific time it was used on me.  Shortly before Natasha was born I was working on a (for me) particularly complicated quilt

when a couple from my church stopped by.  The wife, a quilter herself, admired the assembled top (this picture is just for illustrative purposes– not my own work) as it lay across my ironing board and said “Oh, isn’t that neat; you’re nesting.”

I was feeling irritable because the angles hadn’t met properly and there was no way the top was going to lay flat without taking in most of the center star, negating the focus of the color choices.

That my ineffectual efforts as an artist were admirable (or worse, “cute”) was not something I wanted to hear right then.  I did my best to be gracious but that word nesting would not go away.

I heard it again as each of my subsequent children neared birth, and hated it each time.

Looking at it from this end, I can deduce that the perceived insult came from the implication I was behaving in an unnatural way that could be explained away (dismissed) as a mere flurry of hormonal activity.  This was nothing I could hope would last and my natural, slatternly, ways would return once I was settled into my new routine.

No wonder I felt insulted.

Naturally, none of the nice people I know would actually mean this.  Consciously.  But It’s made me want to be more careful in commenting on anything that lumps an admirable activity (e.g., tidiness, creativity) into some kind of generality.

Anything that is out of the ordinary for an individual has taken effort, and whether “hormones” or “instinct” have helped push the first-step, those intangibles shouldn’t get the credit or be allowed to dilute the sense of accomplishment that stepping out of “normal” allowed.

How Well do You Know Your Spouse?

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Inspired-by (and based a bit on) this post, and the “game” currently popular at bridal showers.

How many of these do you know off the top of your head?

And I will say husband, because (I assume) I have so few male readers.  Prove me wrong, if you’re there.

  1. What’s your husband’s middle name?
  2. Did he have a nickname (from others? for himself?) while growing up?
  3. What’s his favorite color?
  4. What’s his favorite food?  (This should be easy if you cook for him.)
  5. What is he most-proud of?
  6. What’s his favorite outfit for you to wear?
  7. Do you know how he will vote?  (Will he vote?)
  8. What kind of toothpaste will your husband *not* use?
  9. What situation never fails to make him sick?
  10. What’s his favorite dessert?
  11. What was the last thing that made you laugh together?
  12. Have you ever seen your husband cry?  What caused it?  Was he embarrassed?
  13. Bonus: What was he wearing the last time you saw him?

I’m not asking any of you to answer these here, I just like them as ways of awareness: thinking about what I can remember, what I need to ask him (where is he at in this presidential mess?) and knowing how to please him (e.g. with my cooking-choices).

The “game” part of this puts the bride-to-be on the spot with whatever questions her maid of honor feels like springing on her.  For every question she gets wrong (MoH interviewed groom for answers) the happless– she always ends up hapless in my experience– bride has to drink another shot of something alcoholic or add another brick of bubblegum to her mouth.

She doesn’t usually get a choice: that’s pre-determined by the context of the shower.

The Case Against Folding Underwear

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(Yes, another meaningless post.  But at least this one’s short.)

I can find only two reasons to fold something:

  1. To minimize wrinkles, for a better look straight out of the drawer
  2. To make it take up less space

Looking at these criteria I can see no reason to fold underwear:

  1. Most underwear fits well enough that any wrinkles are gone (or nearly so) from the simple act of putting it on.  No one who cares about wrinkles will be seeing those underwear (Or they’d better not be…), even if they were wrinkled.
  2. Underwear is the only article of clothing I have yet noticed that takes up more space folded than otherwise.

That said, I do not begrudge you underwear-folders out there your choice; I just feel sorry for the women whose husbands insist on it for (as far as I can see) no logical reason.

There.  Aren’t you glad you took the time to read this.

July Links– largely homeschooling

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Stuff I’ve left open in tabs for a few days and decided I wanted to link.

  • Practical Ways to Cultivate Spirituality in a Child: Part 1
    • For the youngest children, i.e., mine are almost there.
  • Your time: Ten not so respectful answers
    • Deliciously snarky answers to express your busy-ness.  The type you’re glad to read but doubt you’d have the gumption to use.  I *loved* #4, and #2 was great, too.
  • Separation of Church and Home(school)
    • This was the timely finding of a discussion I wanted to watch people thinking about (confused yet?)
      • I had just this week been wondering how I could call myself consistent if I accepted the classroom model for Sunday school and not general academics.
      • Can’t say I align myself with everything discussed here, but I appreciated the point about the church having a mandate to teach (e.g., to help and equip the parents to teach their children) while the gov’t, via public schools, have basically created their own mandate.  This distinction worked for me.
  • 50 Reasons Why I Could Never Homeschool
    • Very straight forward and defensiveness-inducing for anyone resisting the idea to homeschool.  Rather encouraging for those seeking affirmation to go for it.
  • An essay/article-writing contest with a big-mag paycheck ($3000) for the prize.
    • If I don’t get around to writing something myself, I’d love to recognize the name of the one who did. ;)

Made for Useful Work

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Remembering this line of thought I tried to articulate some months ago, I found an excerpt that put a nice bow on it:

I think the feminist movement has denied a good deal of what it is to be a woman by denying the innate desire to be home, raising children. But I also think the church has done the same by denying her desire to work. In reality, the desire to labor productively and to rear children are two halves to the same person.

From Dana Hanley’s article in Home Educating Family magazine.

I appreciated hearing her say about the “Proverbs 31” woman, Her day was not focused on entertainment, nor her children, nor fellowship with other believers. Her day was filled with useful labor, and through her Godly example, her entire family grew spiritually.

We all admire the intelligence of those who think as we do, but I hope that doesn’t negate the validation I felt reading that statement.

Be careful how you label…YDKUYK

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I will blush to admit it, but I have been very quick to judge.  Specifically kids’ behavior in public, and a parent’s tone of voice.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged, do not condemn, and you will not be condemned, forgive, and you will be forgiven.     (Luke 6:27)

I am willing to believe I am now in the position I am in because at one time I was so “quick to judge” a child (any child behaving a certain way) as spoiled.

What I know now:

  • Those signs I used to gauge “spoiledness” are normal developmental stages for most children.
  • It is when they hang on, or succeed in manipulating the behavior of the parents that they become true signs of “spoiling.”
  • Five minutes (or 20 minutes) of observation is not enough for me to determine what level the signs are at.

I would believe somebody thought one or two of my kids were spoiled, and I’d equally understand their lack of belief in my objectivity if I told them the kids were “normal.”

But I think they are.

How like a mom.  But I’m not trying to change their minds because I’ve settled in my mind that there just some things you don’t know until you know. (YDKUYK)

~

My first child I let “cry it out” (CIO) when she didn’t want to go to sleep at night.  I wasn’t going to be this mom who was manipulated by my baby’s tears.  I felt confirmed in this when she always zonked in 5-10 minutes after I left her alone.

I didn’t believe anyone who said CIO was cruel or “didn’t work.”

Until I had Baby #2.  And CIO simply didn’t work.

Seriously.  I’d had one where it worked, so I knew what to do.

But I didn’t jump on the CIO-is-BAD bandwagon, because I’d had one that it was perfect for.

And I began to understand the *why* of people’s misunderstanding.  Their view of the world does not yet include the reality of what is being described.  Your experience really is the largest determiner of your behavior and beliefs.  I think it would be hard for things to be otherwise.  It takes practice, anyway.

So today when I saw a light-hared young mom snapping at her two slim, blond girls, with their toe-headed little brother looking dazedly back at them, I wasn’t mentally clicking my tongue at her tone, I was thinking, That could be me in three years.  And, yeah, my girls do need (or at least deserve) to be snapped at sometimes.  I get it.

When I see things now, I pray for the other person, and myself, becasue it’s not easy to perform before the world in such a personal event, and I thank God I’m not having immeadiately to make those choices myself.

Why Does Sin Grieve God?

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It’s not because he’s some prude or fancy-pants, holding a fluffy, lace-edged handkerchief to his nose when he pretends to smell something distasteful.

It’s because Sin is to God what Death is to us.

Actually, it would be fair to say that sin is worse than death, because those of us who are believers have the joyful expectation that we will see our loved ones again. Some of them at least.

Sin is the ultimate separation.

Indeed, the LORD’s hand is not too short to save,
and His ear is not too deaf to hear.

But your iniquities have built barriers
between you and your God,
and your sins have made Him hide [His] face from you
so that He does not listen.

Isaiah 59:1-2

It isn’t just that God doesn’t like sin. It’s also that sin builds barriers between us, and while God has made a way to remove the barrier (through his son’s voluntary death in our place) He knows not everyone will jump at that chance.

If you caught that last post in your feed-reader

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I realized that (however unlikely) it is possible that the subject of that post may read about the project and miss the full-impact of it being a surprise. So I’ll just wait until after the day mentioned (don’t you love how vague I am?) to de-privatize it.

Curious yet?

Anyway, I’m still open to input if you saw the questions. Mainly:

  1. Is there a good way to avoid talking about myself (or keep from looking self-absorbed if I must)?
  2. Can you think of a good way to organize the speech?

That is, I’m inclined to tell it like a story or a blog-post, with one idea leading into the next. But I’m wondering if, since it is a stand-up presentation (5-minute speech) I need to follow a more conventional tell-em,tell-em, told-em format with discrete points.

~ ~ ~

And how do you like the new signature? It was a freebie from here, (HT Happy Home).