When dealing with wild kids, the Not Quite Crunchy Parent today suggested trying to “center” the child rather than punishing him. She described taking the child aside and modeling deep-breathing to settle him down.

Not yet bold enough to do a piece on discipline (I do believe parental discipline and guidance have their place, even if they are “artificial” at times), but I strongly agree this centering is useful in many situations.

I’ve noticed that simply touching and slowing down to focus on the child has a great deal of effect– many children have such a high ratio of yelling/talking to touching that they’ve developed selective hearing and the touch is instantly significant. At that point the modeled breathing is just a bonus.

Having the adult on his/her level is also quickly responded to– I have an adult’s undivided attention. What am I going to do with it?

As an addition to breathing I wanted to offer another centering tool: Lock-ups.

“Lock-ups” is a folding of the arms that takes a bit of thought, and something I’ve occasionally used myself when stretched or tense. It is remarkably centering.
I was shown this during a supplemental-type education class on autism.

I was never an Ed. major– the class just looked interesting. Free tuition is one of the perks of being married to a university employee.

I was very pleased to figure out a way to describe this.

1. Hold your arms out straight in front of you, palms down.
2. Rotate both arms so the thumbs now point down.
3. Cross one arm over the other and interlace fingers (thumbs still down), holding hands with yourself.
4. Slowly open your arms a bit, bending your elbows and letting your hands drop.
5. Continue the movement slowly, first your thumbs then your fingertips pointing toward your body
6. Finishing with your pinkies touching your chest, and your arms resting on your body.

I think this works for several reasons:

• The uncommon movement
• The slowing down and thought required (at least at first)
• The almost snuggly feel of having your arms “locked up.”

I save the slow deep breaths until after the lock-up is formed, since explaining it to a child is not conducive to modeling slow breathing.

While we have used slow breathing as an antidote to whining and tired frantic-ness, it wasn’t until I read this post that I thought about adding in lock-ups. This is definitely going in my parenting toolbox this week, and I suppose I’ll have to give an update (like I did this time) to report back on how it worked outside the lab.

If you don’t mind, let me know if you tried to follow the directions and if they made sense to you. Of course I think I did a fine job, but I know already how it’s supposed to work.

(Check out Rocks in my Dryer for more parenting WFMW tips.)

I shared my tips for dealing with kid questions a couple months ago, and wanted to give a bit of an update, having written about those things as I was only beginning to use them.

I’m a believer. These are tips that still work for my kids.

More than anything else, turning the questions back to them when I don’t have an easy answer (or when I know they know the answer) has been an awesome tactic.

It’s taken on a new life too, because it’s sort-of “taught” them to create a segue to change the subject (Hey, I’m still learning how to do that graciously) and now the girls will ask a question when they want to talk about a topic. Great skill to practice, especially starting so young.

For a while now (I’ve been sick and tired– read: thinking slower– these last three weeks or so) they’ve been asking questions and been ready and waiting with whatever it was they want to say.

When I’m too tired to answer and ask them, “What do you think?” they dive right in, eager and delighted for the opening.

It really is nice, this moving into a feeling of “real” conversation. Maybe embryonic conversation, at times.

Now if we could only find a way to get them to drop their “place-holding” sounds (uh-ah-um-um-ah) while they’re thinking what exactly they want to say…

It’s really hard to say “take as long as you need” when you know the long-as-you-need will be entirely filled with that increasingly frantic noise.

Sometimes it seems related to the impulse to speak louder when someone doesn’t understand your language. When they feel they’re not being understood they try to hold the floor longer and get louder and louder as they search for the missing information.

In those times I always feel torn between my impulse to supply the word and the advice that says children need to struggle in order to learn how to think for themselves.

Just now I’m trying to remember a 7-second rule. It runs that many children (thinking more slowly than adults, as they have less-experienced minds) require up to 7-seconds to make some connections.

If I give her that long she usually comes up with what she needs. If she hasn’t got the word(s) by then, hearing them is a relief.

This advice may or may not be good enough to return to. But I spent some time putting it all down is someone else’s “comments,” and figured I would tuck it away in my archives for future reference.

The main content is in response to a three questions raised by the mother of a 9-month-old:

1. Katherine frequently screeches as loudly as she can…I’ve been trying to figure out why and if there’s a pattern…it seems to be when she’s frustrated or mad or annoyed. Is there any way I can teach her not to do this? And/or teach her a better way of expressing herself?
2. She has started squirming all over the place when I try to change her diaper or her clothes. When I lay her on her back, she flips to her tummy and scoots away. How can I train her to hold still while I’m changing her?
3. She’s really mobile and crawls like a sprinter. She loves to explore and get into everything…especially the cats’ food and water dishes. We have a Pack-n-Play, but that’s where she sleeps at night, so I don’t want to use it as a play pen – I want to keep her play space and her sleeping space separate in her mind. I feel like I can’t get anything that requires thinking done while she’s awake because I’m constantly diverting one disaster after another. I’ve taken to staying up wicked late to work on things after M and K are asleep, but then I wind up tired and grouchy in the morning…because as soon as Katherine wakes up, I’m up for good too.

My response:

For “physical discipline” before K is ready for “flicks” or whatever, I defer to a friend of mine who primarily uses immobilization (e.g. holding her hands between yours) for a number of counts.

As Kathy points out, the primary purpose of disciple is memorable discomfort (I think she actually uses the word pain, but it doesn’t have to be painful (in the literal sense) to be memorable.

That said, I wouldn’t use “discipline” for any of these three issues yet. Not at 9-months.

For #1, definitely start working on the please sign. This should cut down on the frustrated screeches.

However it will do nothing for the “thwarted” (my preschoolers are quite familiar with this word) screeches or the “I’m glad I’m alive and have found my voice” screeches that are delightful in their own way, but never comfortable in the hard-surfaces (loud) home I understand you to have.

For the times when you don’t like the attitude of the screeches (I did this with a wild 3-y-o just a night ago, so it has broad application) you can Puh! a pop of air in her face (instant/temporary mute) and use your cue-phrase. Ours is “low voice” and we still use it with our older kids when the volume gets just too big.

When it’s a happy screech you can encourage clapping, “wah-wah” her mouth with your hand or hers to break up the sound and/or encourage a new one, or model a lower pitch to express delight. (pitch exchanging, like sound-copying/exchanging is a good thing to do with your kiddo).

You could introduce (though expect it to take decades to nail-down) the concept of indoor-voice, allowing special play-time outside to use/encourage the outdoor voice.

#2: Never make her go through a diaper change empty-handed.

Yes, sometimes the squirming is defiance, but sometimes is the roar of “No fair! You’ve got candy (mobility) when I don’t!” And that will drown out *any* attempt at discipline. She only knows she can’t do what she wants most in the world.

Give the kid something to do. Be creative. It will be a long time before she understands the delayed gratification diaper changes are an example of.

This is the age I wouldn’t flick/slap yet, not even if you think it’s defiance. I do all my diaper-changes on the floor, and (when necessary) I hold down the upper body with my feet.

Side note: I think if you start the physical discipline too soon, the child learns too soon it’s your big gun, and how if they can tough-it-out it’ll unnerve the parent.

This isn’t the age where you want to be asking yourself, “Am I hitting hard enough? Do I need to do it more?” when (and she won’t yet– I think this is still too young to truly make the connection) she doesn’t modify her behavior in line with your efforts.

#3 Get an ergo. All the stuff about 3rd-world moms being wonderful b/c they wear their babies all the time is connected (in my mind at least) to the reality that most of them don’t have other options– who wants to set their babies down in an un-safe place?

That may sound snarky about those moms (I don’t mean it that way of course), but praising necessity… well, it has its purposes I guess…

You may already have a challenge getting started with this, because I don’t know if K’s been “confined” regularly up to this point, but the earlier you start the “Normaler” this will be for her.

As long as you’re actively working around the house (and afraid she’ll get into trouble), I’d say wear her.

Definitely for “witching hour” (that challenging time of dinner and transition in the afternoon/evening) if no other time, you’ll find it useful to have her on your body.

As to letting her play in bed, I differ from what seems to be general consensus so far. I think she should play there at least a bit.

Baby Whisperer brings it up, and I think it’s valid, that you want baby to have positive associations with her bed, and if you can get her used to being there as a play place (depending on her personality) you may get more sleep time because she won’t feel the need to get out to start playing. A few crib-safe toys or (eventually) a snack-trap of cheerios could keep her entertained that blessed 5-15 minutes extra your snooze button doesn’t offer any more.

Naturally you want to keep those play times as obviously distinct from sleep times as possible, and I wouldn’t use the bed for time-out’s or any punishments for that same reason– wanting to keep as positive an association as possible with bed.

And, yeah, I know that’s long, but you did ask. ;-)

If you have a kid (or a spouse) who’s been sick, odds are you’ve been told to push fluids– especially Pedialyte. The main problem: they have to include suggestions on how to make it more palatable.That’s how simply nasty the stuff tastes.

The last time I was forced to think about this I bought some Pedialyte of the “unflavored” variety and mixed it (instead of water) with apple juice concentrate.

No complaints and great compliance. Works for me!

In the catigory of Unsolicited Advice That May Someday Be Useful, I offer this essay I gave someone on a message board a while back.

~ ~

The context (generalized somewhat) is a woman with an infant that will only accept the breast, and married to a man who is not participating in child-care or helping maintain the home.

He does have a job. He is working 9 to 5-ish. He just seems to think (if he is thinking about it) that providing for the financial needs of his wife and child fulfills his responsibility to the family unit.

The wife wishes she could change this perception, but nagging (if she’s tried it) hasn’t worked yet.

She is exhausted by her many responsibilities and seems hounded by the “advice” of the (I would hope) well-meaning women praising their own involved husbands and urging her to “stand up for herself.”

My response was long and rather different than what had come before.

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Tele-fundraisers– you know, like telemarketers, only they’re just asking for money, instead of trying to sell something.

I’ve nearly stopped receiving calls selling something, and we’re in between elections, so no more political pitches, but I still occasionally get calls asking for money for this or that organization.

These organizations have varying degrees of value or interest to me, but I now have a standard line for all of them:

“We have a house policy of never giving donations over the phone, as it encourages calling to solicit money.”

The last time this happened (Thursday evening), the caller tried to assure me it wasn’t over the phone because they would be mailing me a recipit. (Hmmm.)

As he seemed to want it, I (seriously!) gave him the whole schpeal:

Anyone who wants us to support them must send the request in the mail, along with a record of how they spend their money, including how much goes to fund-raising. With those materials in front of us my husband and I will decide if this is something we’re willing to support.

This type of a policy does several things to promote healthy patterns of giving.

• it encourages accountability (I’ve been told some organizations spend 40% and more of what they bring in to raise more money.)
• it curbs impulse or “emotional” giving that may be unwise
• it allows time to pray over an opportunity, and be sure it is the best place to invest your generosity.

I’m all for supporting the ministry of trustworthy organizations: they have the connections and usually the experience to see the money is well managed.

The strike against telephone solicitors is the same as that against the people asking for money on the street: The need may be genuine, and the money may be well-spent, but the decision would be rushed either way, and not be subject to any closer scrutiny.

Money you give to a question-mark is money you can’t give elsewhere, so I urge you to use wisdom and discernment as you decide where to give.

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