Category Archives: Advice

“Next Child” Advice

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I know you’ve all been dying for my opinion on the next thing I felt like talking about…

Actually I was just organizing these thoughts for friend and decided I wanted them here for me too.

One of my largest frustrations during my second pregnancy was the discovery that none of the new-baby books in my library assumed there was more than one child in the picture.

On one level this is fair: those most likely to read how-to books are those who haven’t done it before, i.e., first-time parents.  But this was the first time I was about to be outnumbered by my own children, so I was seeking guidance too.  (Leaving utterly aside the assumption I might not need guidance since I had a child a whole 17.5 months older than the newest one.)

“Every good and perfect gift comes from above,” so I’m convinced God gave me the idea of looking in the twins section of the pregnancy/parenting books.  Here were books that assumed my soon-to-be reality: more than one child with equally self-centered wills.

This reading was very helpful to me and helped me establish a core part of my parenting style that has carried me into three children with hardly a hiccup.

That part is mainly this: when there is more than one need/scream/tragedy, how will you handle it?  The two main options (actually, I can’t think of any others) are complete one project (child) then move to the next, or juggle both until both are done.

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Be careful how you label…YDKUYK

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I will blush to admit it, but I have been very quick to judge.  Specifically kids’ behavior in public, and a parent’s tone of voice.

Do not judge, and you will not be judged, do not condemn, and you will not be condemned, forgive, and you will be forgiven.     (Luke 6:27)

I am willing to believe I am now in the position I am in because at one time I was so “quick to judge” a child (any child behaving a certain way) as spoiled.

What I know now:

  • Those signs I used to gauge “spoiledness” are normal developmental stages for most children.
  • It is when they hang on, or succeed in manipulating the behavior of the parents that they become true signs of “spoiling.”
  • Five minutes (or 20 minutes) of observation is not enough for me to determine what level the signs are at.

I would believe somebody thought one or two of my kids were spoiled, and I’d equally understand their lack of belief in my objectivity if I told them the kids were “normal.”

But I think they are.

How like a mom.  But I’m not trying to change their minds because I’ve settled in my mind that there just some things you don’t know until you know. (YDKUYK)

~

My first child I let “cry it out” (CIO) when she didn’t want to go to sleep at night.  I wasn’t going to be this mom who was manipulated by my baby’s tears.  I felt confirmed in this when she always zonked in 5-10 minutes after I left her alone.

I didn’t believe anyone who said CIO was cruel or “didn’t work.”

Until I had Baby #2.  And CIO simply didn’t work.

Seriously.  I’d had one where it worked, so I knew what to do.

But I didn’t jump on the CIO-is-BAD bandwagon, because I’d had one that it was perfect for.

And I began to understand the *why* of people’s misunderstanding.  Their view of the world does not yet include the reality of what is being described.  Your experience really is the largest determiner of your behavior and beliefs.  I think it would be hard for things to be otherwise.  It takes practice, anyway.

So today when I saw a light-hared young mom snapping at her two slim, blond girls, with their toe-headed little brother looking dazedly back at them, I wasn’t mentally clicking my tongue at her tone, I was thinking, That could be me in three years.  And, yeah, my girls do need (or at least deserve) to be snapped at sometimes.  I get it.

When I see things now, I pray for the other person, and myself, becasue it’s not easy to perform before the world in such a personal event, and I thank God I’m not having immeadiately to make those choices myself.

A Balanced Approach to “Modesty”

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Terry at Ornaments of Grace has a nice post about considering our clothing choices, but not in a leagalistic manner.

I laughed out-loud and knew I had to link when I read this:

I AM NOT giving up my jeans without a direct revelation from the Lord.

For the record, my standards might be even “looser” than hers, as I don’t feel a need to wear longer shirts or other clothes that conceal my figure (such as it is). She suggests tunic-length tops as a compromise for pants-wearing folks.

Me, I’m heavily influenced by a memory of my parents (one quoting the other) saying they liked it when a woman looked like a woman. And they weren’t talking about wearing dresses all the time.

I can only echo what I know every balanced person has concluded on this topic: it is about what people see and what you project, but it’s also about what’s in your heart.

Fitting Your Medicine Cabinet in your Carry-on (WFMW)

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In these days of limited liquids in airline travel, a mom with the need to feel prepared should start considering tablet medications.

Most aren’t as cost-effective as the bottles of liquid meds, but for the comfort of having them on your person, it works for me.

They’ll even work for your kids under-two:

Just call your local pharmacy and ask for the proper dosage of your product. They’ll ask how much of each active ingredient and let you know what you can do.

For my almost 2-year-old, the dose has been half of big-sisters’ dose for more than a year. This has reduced the amount I need to carry by letting one product serve for all three kids.

The List of what we found to bring in the carry-on for the latest trip (NOTE: these are only safe if your child knows how to chew. Our boy gets 1/2 a child’s vitamin most days, so he’s had the practice).

  • Children’s Sudafed Nasal Decongestant chewables
    • I always give these to my kids before we board a plane, because I always take the adult version myself. (Seems to help with the pressure-changes)
  • Children’s Benadryl allergy chewables
    • Useful in case of a surprise reaction to something. We rarely need it, but when we do, we’re really glad to have it.
    • Some people give this product to their kids before boarding because they hope it will settle them down.
      • I don’t. I feel it falls into the unnecessary meds catigory and avoid it. (Some parents insist it is necessary for their kid. I’m not even trying to make that call.)
      • People hoping to use this method should be sure to check its affect before flight-day: some kids get *wired* by it instead of mellowed. You’ve been warned.
  • Triaminic Softchews: Cough and runny nose
    • This wouldn’t have made the list except we had just been through a bout of *yucks* and all my kids responded well to cough medicine.
    • Studies lately have insisted cough remedies are mostly snake-oil (medically ineffective). Just know-your-kid and what works.
  • Infants’ ibuprophen oral suspention
    • Normally I insist this is unnecessary after 6-months (assuming you child will swallow), but when liquid-space is at a premium, double-strong meds are worth it.
    • I always buy the store-brand. Significantly cheaper.

Happy traveling, here’s to hoping all your med-prep proves unnecessary. :D

Why Differences are Threatening

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In expressing our opinions and describing what we do, we are expressing our values and describing what is important to us.

When we encounter people who do things differently, we can see the simple fact of those differences as attacks on our values, and, therefore, on us.

When desiring to keep the peace, I think we must remain carefully aware of this.

Just yesterday I was at a baby shower and got off on a rant about potty-training (so sue me. It’s the season I’m parenting).

The camp I’m in (if I may call it a camp) is that once the kid knows what to do, when she’s ready, she will. I refuse to force the issue because I don’t see it as important enough to initiate a battle of wills.

The camp of my listener is the early-is-better camp, having (mostly) trained all her children before they could talk.

She listened patiently, with a slightly concerned look on her face, and said carefully, “Well, that’s one way to do it.”

Gracious lady.

“I prefer to start before they develop a will,” she added, explaining her position. “Then it never becomes a battle, it’s just part of what you do.”

She is also a Suzuki-mama, so this seems totally in-line with other parts of her life.

Afterwards I was thinking about how differently we saw this and approached her to verify I hadn’t sounded rude or something, and she took the moment to both say no and express how thankful she was that we could disagree and still be friends.

“It seems like so many people can’t be friends when they don’t agree.”

And she’s right. I like to think we’d still be this gracious even if we didn’t have five years of history together, but that commonality has just got to make peace easier.

Maybe when it is established that there is much love; when we have enough shared experiences, and the proof of good-faith that grows through years, we better understand that “love covers a multitude” of differences.

This is something precious in our transient modern society: to have relationships in addition to marriage that are built over years.

I am extremely thankful for that handful of friends that, despite our dissimilitude, continue to share their lives with me.

Mom Was Right

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I’m not a person who usually minds that.

But hearing “You’ll figure it out eventually,” can sound very empty and frustrating when you don’t know if it’s true.

You know, one of those “Mom’s being encouraging” lines you never know if you can trust. Like, “Of course you’re beautiful.”

I used to fight rolling my eyes when I heard that one.

Some months ago I was describing to her my various attempts at differing systems of getting home-things done.

Systems that work in theory, and maybe even in real life before old habits resume control, but die pathetically as I run out of energy trying to maintain someone else’s personality.

Some of those systems, looking at them now, seem like having another woman running things in your house. She knows what she’s doing and has proven she’s better at it.

But, doggone it, it’s my house. This just isn’t going to work unless I change or they change.

So I changed. To something altogether different, even from them.

I’ve been two or three weeks in this new person’s body and mind, and I’m starting to get a little tense.

I sort of like this new me. I find myself wondering if this is a change God has made that will become my new normal, or whether I’ll suddenly get tired and it’ll all fall apart.

This is (in a weird way) fun to write down, because I actually feel more confident having aired that.

~

Right before I got engaged, I was so relieved to hear my mom balance out the twitterpated sighs of all my newlywed friends:

“You’ll just know!“

I didn’t, so it was validating that my mother (still happily married to my father) didn’t either.

~

So I was quite disappointed to hear the homemaking version of the same line:

“You’ll figure it out.”

I didn’t want to figure it out. I wanted it to be a logical formula someone else had figured out and could hand me. That doable time-table that would bring peace and order to my life.

But it didn’t work that way.

The almost disappointing thing is that I don’t have any better advice to offer anyone coming after me (You know how I love to give advice…).

Sure I was seeking God, but— in theory at least— I’ve been seeking him about this for years. So this may be my first experience with seeing the fruition of years of prayer. Who knows?

But one of the biggest (and ineffable) lessons I have been learning lately is how different every family is. And just as each of us have to learn individually how to deal with (say) temptation, there are some things we are just never going to get except by doing and living.

So Mom was right. (Hi, Mom! Are you reading this?) I finally feel like I am figuring this out.

There’s been no “glory and trumpets,” and I’ve wondered a few times lately when this change began (it’s been pretty quick– happening in days/ weeks, not months).

No giddy excitement or *boom* of God’s presence.

But there is sweet warm oatmeal with strawberries, and children who delight in music, who ask me to snuggle with them while we watch their cartoons.

And peace and contentment.

God does give us the desires of our hearts. He planted in me the want for peaceful home and He is bringing that desire to fruition.

And I praise him for it.

“All reality is Iconoclastic.”

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From C.S. Lewis’s A Grief Observed:

My idea of God is not a divine idea. It has to be shattered time after time.

He shatters it himself. He is the great iconoclast.

Could we not say that this shattering is one of the marks of his presence? The Incarnation is the supreme example; it leaves all previous ideas of the messiah in ruins. And most are “offended” by the iconoclasm; and blessed are those who are not. But the same thing happens in our private prayers.

All reality iconoclastic.

Really, I think this is what I’m trying to articulate whenever I talk about things like this or this. (Okay, okay, “The Trouble With Beauty” and “The Offense of the Gospel” for those of you who hate blind clicks. ;) )

I’ve made a shift in the last two weeks, with the only thing written down more than a day ahead being meals.

Maybe I’ll be able to articulate it better in the future, but I wanted to say that I have put away my attempts at the card-file (a system for maintaining house), and weekly to-do lists, and have started just “doing what I see.”

Don’t worry, I’ve always had “selective seeing.”

Sallie’s recent post articulated this so perfectly:

I have come to the conclusion that [scheduling] is an area in which God is not going to allow me to be successful because He wants me to be dependent on Him. I say that in all seriousness, with no jesting. We’ve prayed about it, we’ve strategized, we’ve made commitments, and it simply does not work. I have to believe that God has a bigger purpose in my sanctification than keeping a nice schedule.

I love this image of daily dependency. It brings what has sometimes been an intangible something called a “spiritual discipline” into a realm where I can see it.

What is surprising me (the current “iconoclast”) is how my life feels more peaceful and complete just now than is often has when I was wrestling with a schedule.

Advice for Organizing your Time/Life with Littles

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Written here from the perspective of a homeschooling mom of many with a good memory of the early years of parenting.

Her emphasis is on training early. I appreciated her focused approach, gently and realistically sticking with the basics of loving and modeling.

All that is important to us– truly important to us– will be shown in what we do, and this is wise to remember as we “just live our lives” for the audience of our children.

It’s -34.6 Degrees This Morning

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Yes, we call this cold, even in Alaska.

My public service announcement (for families living with cold winters and pre-schoolers) via WFMW:

As part of your cold-weather emergency gear in the back of your car, include a sled big enough to haul all of your littles. This will help save your neck (back, fingers, toes…) if your car breaks down.

I don’t know about any of your pre-schoolers, but one of mine is a molasses child: she moves slower in the cold– complaining of her agony and how much she wants *out* of the cold.

There’s a sled in the back of my car because if we ever were stuck in temperatures like these, her pace would be a literal safety hazard, since there’s no moving faster than the slowest member (and I can’t carry two kids very far).

~

And, for people whose minds move to fun faster than mine, you’ve already realized keeping a sled in the back means you can stop and go sledding whenever you find a good hill.  And that’s worth a lot too :)