Category Archives: Advice

Kids and Questions

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(Prologue)

First off I have to say that I adored Lara’s post about making her children hold their questions for later.

The bits I loved best were the part, “It’s a well know fact that if you make a child think with their mouth closed then their head will explode and I wanted to see how long that would take.” And the part about the child thinking, “I might cease to exist if I don’t hear every detail of the next 24 hours of my life over and over and over again.”!!! (My kids.)

I made a pathetic attempt to read it to my parents when they came over Monday night, and somehow, despite my exhaustion-induced hysterics (yes, it is also funny on its own merits), they heard the humor and enjoyed it too.

What that started a train of thought (and conversation) about kids and the questions they ask.

~

(Main content)

I confessed to my mom that I didn’t like to shut off the kids’ questioning, even when it got inane, because I wanted them to feel valued, and that questions deserve an answer. (I also want them to do some critical thinking and listening. Any ideas?)

Mom acknowledged she felt the same way when we were growing up, but our questions could really irritate my dad and we (I vaguely remember this) eventually were told just to be quiet and quit asking.

I don’t begrudge them this. I know first-hand how annoying these questions can get.

I’ve found I get the most upset by questions when they seem like a stall tactic, and to prevent snapping at the question or the questioner (I told my mom), my new “mom-line” is, “Ask while you’re obeying.”

As in, you won’t get an answer anyway until you do as you’re told, and don’t wait until you’re ready to obey.

“I wish I’d thought of that,” she said.

That is such a cool thing to hear from your mom.

~ ~ ~

My other tack when we fall into endless questioning is to go all Socratic on them:

“Well, why do you think that is?”

Sometimes they just don’t want to think, and will say I don’t know, but there are times they’ll take a legitimate stab at the answer, and it’s usually delightful (sometimes inaccurate, but nearly always delightful).

I love watching (and listening) to my children think.

If they persist in the passive I don’t know, I interpret it as a request to be entertained or a test to see how much of their mother’s undivided attention they can secure.

So I act accordingly. Or, according to my mood at the time.

If I feel they’re trying to manipulate me (What an ugly word to apply to children! Got a better one?), I’ll do the brief, “Think about it for a while,” type of response.

If I feel in a mood to be entertaining, I’ll begin spouting obvious (to a toddler) misinformation to make them laugh.

If it’s a legitimate question, and from a conflict in personality or tiredness-cycles we’re not connecting at the moment, I say I’ve explained it the best I know how just now, and if she wants to ask me after nap (or after I’ve rested) maybe it would make more sense then.

So… this is how I try to be straightforward, and not begrudge them their questions. As I mentioned in my awareness post, yesterday, it’s important to me.

For more in-home ideas visit Rocks in my Dryer.

Carpe Diem… Patiently

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Having a long-term perspective for a number of goals (my novel, children, guitar) has resulted in an interesting…dichotomy (if that’s the right word) for me.

As believers we are called to make the most of every opportunity.

I think what can happen as a result of this “only now matters” perspective (which is correct in its own way), is that we can lose our eternal perspective, and even forget it is not our efforts that accomplishes significant things.

I’ve quoted this before, but it fits here too:

“God does not have to depend on human exhaustion to get His work done. God is not so desperate for resources to accomplish His purposes that we have to abandon the raising of our children in order to accommodate Him. God is not so despairing of where to turn next that He has to ask us to go without sleep for five nights in a row. Chronic overloading is not a prerequisite for authentic Christianity. Quite the contrary, overloading is often what we do when we forget who God is.”

“Someone has said, ‘God can do in twenty minutes what it takes us twenty years to do.’ Let’s trust more and do less. Is it busyness that moves mountains…or faith?”.

What I’ve found myself dwelling on more is gratitude at the amount of time we’ve been given.

~ ~ ~

Yes, yes, I know its not guaranteed, or even truly mine, but when time stops for me, I’ll be in eternity so the shortness of what time I had here won’t matter to me.

By being obedient I don’t need to worry about when this will all end. (Look at One Year to Live).

~ ~ ~

What I think of is how many years I have ahead of me to (for example) progress in guitar. When I hit my Silver Anniversary with Jay, I’ll have more than 20-years’ experience in guitar-playing.

Think how many exercises I struggle with now that will be second nature by then!

~

I am challenged now by what and how I will teach my children, but in 10 years they will all be solidly entrenched, and we’ll be doing it.

When I am temped to fear, I remind myself I have nearly two more years to prepare, and many faithful who have gone on before me.

This is a quintessentially doable task.

~

Things that I wish I’d started 20-years ago, as a child, if I actually do start them, will eventually have 20-years of experience behind them.

You can get good at something 20 years.

This is what I think of when I think of having lots of time.

~

I remind myself that goals are to be worked for, and not having abilities instantly is okay, because there is always time.

For those who want to argue my time may be cut short, I’ll simply point out that seeing Jesus face-to-face will more than make up for my not being fluent in Spanish.

Until I am gone I hope to enjoy the world and the wit our Creator gave me, and since my interests, inclinations and abilities can pull at me frantically, this reminder of time is a peaceful way for my patient Heavenly Father to slow me down and help me enjoy where I am now, even as I pursue the next goal.

5-9-07 ETA:
This is my WFMW this week. This idea of allowing myself time to reach my goals is a blessing I wish for other moms “stuck” in the less-productive “nows.”

Try to remember that not everything really needs to be done *Today!* and I think you will find things growing more peaceful.

“We have tomorrow,” and “Morning is wiser than the evening” are both good mantras for those many days when we reach the end of the day before the end of the list.

Here comes the wedding night…

(Information for the virgin bride-to-be)

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Let’s see, how shall I begin?

I am so proud of you, that you’ve decided to maintain your virginity until you are married.

While it is true that millions (billions, more likely) of young brides have eventually “figured all this out” on their own, it really is a disservice to you not to share the simple, practical things we “older brides” have learned.

If you choose to read-on, know that plain-speaking commences immediately. Continue reading »

Now the Babies (a discussion about sign language)

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Speaking of Sign Language, I am a big cheerleader for anybody who wants to sign with their baby.

I think teaching a child to sign “please” (flat hand circling on the chest) substantially reduces the amount of whining pre-verbal babies engage in.

My belief is that the majority of whining from older babies is the result of frustration.

The child knows what she wants, but has no way to ask for it.

My WFMW tip this week is to depart from “Sign with your Baby” curricula at two points.

  1. Teach your child “please” instead of “more.” They function the same way for the child, but “please” introduces that important word sooner, and in my experience is better for the grown-ups’ sensibilities.
  2. Make a special effort to help the child absorb “please” for an automatic response. Set up situations and move the child’s hand yourself while you show him how you want the sign used.

This differs from the way you’re “supposed” to teach signs.

Garcia (the author of one baby signing book) insists that one should allow the signs to develop naturally– as spoken words do– by the child mimicking the adult in his or her own time.

In my experience (maybe I’ve just never waited long enough) I’ve never seen a child take up using a spoken please without coaching and prompting from the parent, so I see no inconsistency in “making” a child sign “please.”

When I was 18 I “trained” my 9-month-old niece in about 15-minutes with a bowl of fruit loops.

I would not make the same decision today as a mother ;o)

It was very Pavlovian, I admit, but the reduction in whining and the sweetness that developed along with her ready and eager “please” convinced me she was improved rather than scarred by it.

As a side-note she did eventually learn “more” somewhere, and there was a real distinction in attitude for how they were used, confirming for me the desirability of “please” as a substitute, in the beginning especially.

Parenting Info That is Actually Useful

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Many (if not most) baby/parenting books seem to emphasize their methodology to the point of threatening your child will be scarred if their method is not used (Catherine mentioned this at the end of February).

As a ray of sensible Spring sunshine, I offer today a list of books that are both useful and positive. No guilt-trips here (unless they’re carry-ons), and instantly usable information.

Rather cold toward co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding, but very sensibly combines the ideas of flexibly and scheduling for your baby.

Also offers “rescues” for correcting mistakes entrenched by “accidental parenting.” The original book is most accessible to new and/or 1st time parents, the other offers some more detailed approaches to specific problems.

I got this information from a class that then sent this DVD home with you. If you are afraid of colic (or think your baby has it) the techniques demonstrated here could greatly reduce your stress-level.

Demonstrates how to engage a baby’s calming reflex (did you know babies have a reflex to calm themselves like they have a rooting reflex when they’re born?).

Solid information about sleep itself to help guide expectations, and a detailed methodology of finding and implementing the possible solutions collected in the books.

The information is presented in a gentle, conversational way. The author acknowledges making the changes will require additional energy from already-sapped resources, and somehow that endeared her to me.

Simply the best book to give to your pregnant friend in her third-trimester or to any woman who’s just given birth. If it doesn’t cover everything, it does cover more than any other post-partum book I’ve seen.

Understanding the difference between disobedience and the process of growing independence. Discovering potential and clarifying expectations. Creating a sense of family. I really appreciated it.

Maybe some reviewer on Amazon can articulate it better, but this is definitely a user-friendly “keeper.”

A practical book presenting techniques for organizing and motivating your professional choice of stay-at-home mothering.

These are the books that work for me. For more ideas visit Rocks in my Dryer.

Talking About Touching

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Have you talked to your little children about who’s allowed to take their clothes off? About who’s allowed to touch them? And how?

It’s uncomfortable to think about, but not-talking about it is the wrong choice.

Pray about what you will say, and (if you haven’t had this talk yet) look for an opportunity this week.

Our methods so far:

  • Put everyone in a modest swimsuit and remind kids the parts covered up are the parts no one else should touch (diaper-changes and doctor visits can be mentioned as exceptions).
  • We don’t make the kids give hello hugs or good-bye kisses if they don’t feel like it– we want them to know a No to touch should be respected.
  • We’ve talked about the difference between certain toys our girls have to share, and those they don’t unless they want to (They each have their own special beanie-bear, for example, that they can choose never to share).
    • From this context we talk about not having to share what is most special to us. Not having to share what is our very own. Our bodies fall into this category.

~ ~ ~

A good resource on a related note is the Family Watchdog site.

~ ~ ~

A formal, “heavy,” talk is not frequently the best choice. Generally with small children a short simple line, repeated in a positive way, will prove the most effective.

Pray about what you want your child(ren) to internalize and plan for it purposefully. (This is a good way to approach prayer and bible memorization for/with your kids too).

More ideas at Rocks in my Dryer

How to Pray for People You Don’t Know

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I was praying for my daughter-in-law’s parents last night. Then I realized, as my son is only nine-months old, she may not even be born yet.

We’re slogging through our sleep-depriving dues of correcting some “accidental-parenting” mistakes that result in frequent night-waking.

I was praying my daughter-in-law was a better sleeper for her parents than my son is for me just now.

~~~

The idea for this type of prayer is to take the specific substance of your own need(s) and reflect them into the situation of another person who has those same needs. It is a terrific way to get your mind beyond your own problems, and a good way to remember “those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.” (Hebrew 13:3)

On the first International Day of Prayer for the Persecuted Church our pastor encouraged us to imagine a Believer in our exact place in life, in one of the countries we’d been learning about, and pray specifically for that individual’s needs, knowing our own.

I’ve used this exercise many times since; in the context I mentioned at the beginning (family-members I haven’t yet met), and for fellow beleivers I am called to uphold in prayer.

I find (among other things) that it allows my prayers are more frequent and purposeful.

More ideas at Rocks in my Dryer.

Helping my Husband Help Me
or Setting Him Up for Success

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Having store-bought bread doesn’t make my husband appreciate homemade bread more. Having *homemade* bread makes him appreciate homemade bread more.

I was just giving someone advice today about not making Daddy’s time alone with the kids a negative thing, and it got me thinking.

The Argument

There seems to be a school of thought that Mom should leave the kids with Dad whenever she feels like it, and if things fall apart or are really hard for the guy, that somehow this will make him appreciate her more, because he will now “identify” with what she (as a mom) goes through. These invisibles also imply the father will or should subject himself to this repeatedly.

Apparently this is a way to “prove” his love to you and/or his offspring.

I think this is incredibly unfair.

For one thing, most dads don’t have that presence like a mother’s that can near-instantly calm a child. Do you ever wonder why Dad’s always passing the kid back to Mom? Because it *works* that’s why!

So, anything Dad’s doing, especially with very young children, will be harder for him than for Mom. Also, unless he’s a SAHD, there’s no way he’ll have internalized preferences and schedules like the Mom, has. This is another strike against him.

It’s still fine to leave him alone in charge of the kids, it is still good for him, and for Mom, but for it all to go well (and happen again with minimum resistance) a little planning should be involved: Continue reading »

Finding the Perfect Gifts

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I have always loved giving (and receiving) things that are *just right* so now I take notes.

If you have some kind of hand-held computer (I carry a Palm Pilot) designate some findable corner as the “gifts” section.

For my husband I have a section where I note what he has admired, or the type of music he’s been most interested in lately (and anything new I’ve learned about him that could turn into a gift idea).

For a while I had the model# of his electric shaver, because he commented on how much he loved the shaving heads when they were new. I’d check that aisle when ever I went shopping to see if they were on sale.

I also know what kind of orange juice and ice cream topping is his favorite “splurge,” for those times I want to make him feel special without spending a lot of money.

I don’t need to write those things in my palm (yet), but they follow the same principle: be a careful observer of those special to you, and the odds are good they’ll “tell” you what gifts will be significant to them.

(More ideas for the steadily approaching Valentine’s Day at Rocks in my Dryer.)

Tonic for the “drags”

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I don’t know what everybody else calls it. I talk about someone being in a funk. I say I’m feeling “dragy.” Basically it’s that not- feeling-like-doing-anything that isn’t (I think) quite depression.

I was brainstorming about useful things to do when “down in the dumps” (another descriptor), and was surprised with how much I came up with. (This originally began as a comment elsewhere). So here’s my list of tips:

  • Put on “happy music,” whatever that is for you.
    • I found my happy music was the stuff I listened to in High School or college and hadn’t heard in a long time. It brought me a startling joy.
    • Pick music from a light era of yours.
    • A book I’ve been reading recently describes the reason books get fatter as you read them is because it preserves a part of you between the pages– like a pressed plant– the you that was, at the time you read it, and you see that former self whenever you re-read. That’s the way of me and music too.
    • ETA: Classical or folk instrumentals collected for children are a fantastic pick-me-up.

My dad loaned me the “Rhythmically Moving” series from his classroom for the summer– my kids had heard something on the radio they’d wanted to hear again.

I put the first one on while I was stressed-out and racing to finish dinner. Almost instantly I had to laugh. My mind was rebelling at the cognitive dissonance between my mood and the atmosphere. It was nearly like being in a river and resisting being moved by it.

Didn’t “fix” my stress, but it made me smile, even laugh, and that had to be healthy.

  • Start a new book, even if you haven’t finished your current one.
    • Anything you’re interested in will do, as long as you don’t feel obligated to finish it if it doesn’t suit you.
    • It may take a couple tries to find the right fit. (Write me if you want suggestions ;-))
    • This is where Books-on-tape are so essential to me now– with the three little ones I frequently feel I’m stealing from them to sit and read a whole novel.
  • Read “Good Poems” or Poem a Day V. 1.
    • Both of those are great for finding concise (no pages-long), interesting poems.
    • I’ve found the right poems to be tonic to me, because they were a sort of deep-thought pizza: Delivering filling new ideas and ways of looking at things, sparing me the effort of looking (cooking) for myself.
    • Very good for when I’m tired and can’t focus on longer or “more meaningful” works.
  • Do mindless research about something that interests you but you can’t act on.
      • I read about new-born and toddler care while I was pregnant the first time.
      • Last fall (after Grandma died) I started reading a lot about dogs. Still do, occasionally– though I won’t be able to get one until the end of April. Or later.
    • I found this activity helpful because engaged my mind without the obligation to do more. I couldn’t/can’t do more at the time of the research.

These probably won’t pull you out of a funk (If you can get the energy to clean, the activity and the result very frequently can), but they will help you tread water while you’re there. Sort of help keep you afloat.

There are those times when that’s all you’re looking for.