Monthly Archives: June 2007

Identity, Individuality, and Marriage

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Have you ever heard people debating the “unity candle” part of a wedding?

The debate seems to hinge on the question of whether to blow out the two individual candle (implying, I think, the extinguishing of self in the creation of the new “us”), or leaving them lit (letting the individual continue to exist along with the new entity of “us”).

~ ~ ~

At my wedding I received so many admonitions, cards, and printed sentiments warning me not to “lose my individuality” in this marriage, that I was rather shocked. Did people really think I could stop being who I am?

Last fall I thought of these as I wrote the card that was to go with a wedding present. I didn’t keep the words for me, but it went something like this:

Dear [Bride and Groom],

I am so delighted for you and your new life together. Marriage is so wonderful, and I hope you love it.

You may be getting all sorts of warnings and advice about “guarding your individuality” as you transition into this life-sharing that is marriage.

I would urge you to ignore it. You both have had more than 25 years experience doing that. It is your default, instinctual response to any situation. I truly believe your relationship and future will be better served by cultivating and guarding your “oneness.”…

I don’t know about you other wives out there, but in nearly seven years together I’ve become more like my husband, and that is a good thing.

~

For our first dance, Jay and I danced a very fast four-count swing (I don’t know anybody normal who’s heard of this outside of AK) to the song, We Rejoice in the Grace of God.  Jay was very good, and even surprised me by posturing for the applause.

We learned this type of swing dancing before we were engaged, with one of my (eventual) bridesmaids. Apparently his family didn’t know he could dance.  One uncle went to my mom and said, “She does good things for him!” Mom said, I imagine very seriously, “It goes both ways.”

~

God makes each soul unique. If he had no use for all these differences I do not see why he should have created more souls than one.

C.S. Lewis

The Bible reminds us we were created in the image of God. That’s my theory as to why there are so many of us– to show more facets of our creator than any of us could display individually.

For this reason I don’t believe God is calling us to disappear into a blob of non-identity. But neither do I feel that is so much a possibility that it needs to be specifically guarded against.

Our tendency is so much more to jealously guard our rights, when we are told that true love is laying down our lives for one another.

~

We didn’t do a unity candle at my wedding, since we didn’t want to deal with the many guests’ interpretations of an unexplained symbolic act.  If we were to do it now, I think we would both blow out our candles.

Inspiration vs. Sleep

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I just finished writing what I think is my climactic scene. (I’ll wait till more work is done to be totally sure that’s what it is.)

1,257 words tonight. Not quite NaNo productivity, but pretty good– especially considering I (1st-draft) finished a key scene.

The whole scene about 2,400 words, so I put together more than half of it tonight.

I kept expecting Jay to sit up and scold me to bed, me being sick and all, but I was flying so fast I was thankful he didn’t

Then, just as I punched the word-count, Elisha woke up. So here I am, thinking God for the clarity I got to finally write this scene.

~

I’ve recently been so intimidated about how much I have to learn, and how enormous this particular project is, that it’s been hard to create— for weeks I’ve only been editing– and I really do have quite a bit of material I haven’t written yet.

(And, in case you read my last post and wonder, my climax is nothing like the movie’s– only the experience somehow fired me to take a crack at this, and I’m glad I did.)

My Favorite Movie-Ending

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I don’t know if it’s my favorite-of-all-time, since I haven’t been consciously comparing endings yet (I think I will for a while though, now). Watched the movie tonight for the first time in years, and still liked it. A lot.

Karate Kid II

There’s just something about the the two young people embracing, exhausted, after they’ve literally saved each others’ lives.

About the 5-minute mark in this clip:

It moves beyond the basic (but still good) endings of “victory” or “couple–ness” to a relief and gratitude that seems almost sacred.

A Possibility of Pregnancy

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On Monday afternoon, while she was setting me up for the x-ray that revealed my pneumonia, the technician asked me, “Now, is there any possibility you might be pregnant?”

I always find this wording funny, and responded, “Well, yes, there’s a possibility.”

The technician froze, and for some reason my eyes traveled up above the referencing target where I saw in bolded caps:

IF YOU ARE PREGNANT, OR THINK YOU MAY BE PREGNANT,
INFORM THE X-RAY TECHNITION IMMEADIATELY.

I sighed then, and told the young woman, “No. I’m not pregnant.”

She was wary now. “Not even a chance?” Again, I couldn’t not-tell the whole truth, even to simplify things (I think it’s connected to my explaining problem) .

“Of course there’s a chance, biologically speaking, but it’s really. not. likely.” Poor dear finally seemed to take the spirit of my answer rather than follow (what I would guess was) the letter of the law from her training.

Half-attempting an apology when she came to rearrange me against the bull’s-eye, I told her, “I’m a literalist. I think there’s always some chance of pregnancy when there’s sex.”

I managed to refrain from my short lecture on efficacy (let your words be beneficial, pearls before swine, and all those good reminders must have been in my mind somewhere).

Even so, my readers here will, I think, eventually receive some further talk about efficacy ;-)

~

If it makes someone uncomfortable to think about the direct connection between sex and babies, well, I think it would be wise to take a good hard look at your expectations and the way our bodies work.

A Limit to Emotional Energy

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(from Margin by Richard Swenson, M.D.)

Each morning we rise to meet the day with a certain measure of emotional energy. A quantum of stamina….

This quantum of emotional energy is not fixed but instead is in constant flux with its environment. We are always losing energy into the environment and receiving energy back again….

Think in terms of those people who always  make you feel tired, or those activities that leave you energized.  This isn’t woo-woo New Age stuff– it’s within our own experience.

No matter how large or small the quantum of emotional energy is at the start of the day, and no matter how fast or slow it is exchanging with the environment, one thing is certain: The amount within us is finite. No one has an infinite capacity for emotional discharge….

We often have trouble accepting the idea of rationing our emotional energy. It is simply too difficult to quantify our feelings. We feel ashamed admitting that our spirit is exhausted and collapsing within us.

But our hesitancy in no way constitutes proof that such limits are only a convenient fiction for the weak and lazy.

Instead, our hesitancy is an obstacle to overcome.

Almost Brilliant

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I had this *fantastic* brain flash last night for a series, complete with main characters and interactions that I adore.  One that really that could become a brand.

Main problem: its a genre I’ve not read much.   Like, I’ve read eight books from a kids’ series in this genre, and watched a couple (only a couple) movies, but I totally love the idea, so I’m going to have to hang on to it.  (One thing at a time…)

But it is *really* high on my next-big-project list.  (Hmmm, are we thinking NaNo 2007?)

Actually, Jay’s not sure we’ll do NaNo this year.   Says we’ll have to wait and see if we’re more together by then.

Killed by a Tiger– a Tuesday Tale

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Found in Folktales from India.

A brother and sister lived in a forest alone, with no parents.

One day, they offered shelter to a stranger lost in the woods. He was struck by the sister’s beauty and made arrangements with the brother to marry her.

Some months after the marriage the sister sent word that she would soon give birth, so her brother set out on the journey that would bring him to her village.

It was a long journey, and to be safe from wild animals through the night the brother asked a tree for permission to sleep in its branches. This the tree agreed to.

That night a great tiger came to the foot of the tree and askedit to accompany him to the next village.

The headman’s wife has just had a son, and I will be killing him on his wedding day.

The tree begged off, saying he had a guest, and the tiger said there would be great punishments if the visitor revealed what he had heard.

Now, the brother was quite distraught, convinced it was his new nephew the tiger had spoken of. When he reached the village he found out it was so, but said nothing of what he had heard, only making his sister promise she would inform him so he would be present when his nephew was to marry.

After many years he received word, and returned to his sister’s village, stationing himself with his bow and ax at his nephew’s side, never leaving him for a moment.

That afternoon the young man declared he would take a walk in the fields, no matter what his uncle might say. So the faithful uncle went along, too, convinced this would be the time the tiger would attack.

He was right.

Continue reading »

E.A. (Explainers Anonymous)

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Hi, my name is Amy and I’m a compulsive explainer.

Blogging may not be the best hobby for one with my affliction. Heigh-ho.

It’s funny, too, because I’ve given the advice to not apologize just to placate– to keep the peace at all costs– because if you’re in a continuing relationship with an individual that demands that you’re pasting a kick-me sign on your own back.

I never realized that “explaining” does a similar thing with some people.

The writer’s-group abbreviation RUE (resist the urge to explain) is something I need to train myself to apply.

~

I’ve known for a while I’m a compulsive explainer– in Sunday school I’ve mentioned it twice, mostly as a way to explain my need to explain– but I never really thought about doing things differently until I was walking with a friend shortly after getting my new dog.

“I thought at first I didn’t want a pit because I didn’t want one more thing in my life to explain– homemaking, no preschool, teaching natural birth control, storytelling as both necessary and a true art. All have become things I have to explain, and now I throw a pit bull into the mix.”

“Why explain?” my friend asked. “Just be confident you’re doing the best for your family and let it go at that. People can understand or not.”

But they *have* to understand! I wanted to say.

But, they don’t.

Will it really change anything? Why hang your peace on what everyone thinks? We already know we can’t make everyone happy.

I don’t know how long this audio podcast will still be available on-line, so click over when you can and listen while you do housework or something. It’s called Dealing with the Crazy Makers in Your Life, and is a conversation based on a book with the same title.

The show opens with he author describing several different kinds of “crazy makers,” those people who take their problems into every relationship–it really is them, not you. Things like the aggressive personality, the martyr, the Egotist (“One nice thing about Egotists– they don’t talk about other people…”) and borderline personality disorder.

Then, in the second half, he talks about what hooks these problems catch other people with, and finally what to do differently (as someone trying to stay healthy).

Interesting to me, one of the more common hooks, and a most ineffective coping (or placating) strategy, is explaining.

Some of his advice might seem controversial to some (“Quit trying to understand her feelings– you won’t be able to.”) but it was very eye-opening for me.

My conclusion: I’ve found two ways (so far) “explaining” can be unhealthy. Continue reading »

Rude– or not?

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So, I’ve been leading the study in the women’s Sunday school class this month.

It’s been really good to see things from “the other side” for a while. I’ve “improved” (matured?) each week, this week’s victory being pulling back to the study/lesson plan rather than offering my good example to the off-topic point someone else brought up.

What’s on my mind now is being “rebuked” this morning by someone who apparently thought I was out of line.

As we were on that section of James that includes the mention of “confessing our faults” to one another, I was searching my heart and conduct, trying to decide if she were justified, and whether I needed to apologize to someone.

My conclusion was double-sided and frames my quandary.

As the teacher, I feel what I said was appropriate and did its purpose of clarifying a concern– of streamlining and focusing a speaker searching for words.

But, if I was not seen as the teacher by this (other) woman, it could have sounded like impatience or interrupting on my part (which is what she seemed to be scolding me for).

In the end, my conscience is clear, but desiring to nurture peace, or have things go differently in the future, I’m not sure if there is something more I should do.

Still praying for wisdom on that.

My “Eventually” To-dos

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Now, to be honest, I already have a “someday” list, but I was looking at a post of Ann’s and (as I sometimes just feel like making lists) I wanted to follow her example and make a list of somedays that were based more on the challenge of doing them than the challenge of growing the skills (the list referenced above).

Here’s my first attempt.

  1. Learn to ride a tandem bicycle
  2. Do an overnight hiking/camping trip (ideally 2-way, maybe a couple days out and back)
  3. Adopt another Grandma (eventually)
  4. Perform at an open-mic night at a local coffee shop (stories or music)
  5. Create a storytelling curriculum–or the start of one– that teaches storytelling like children these days are taught essay-writing (as The Horse and His Boy puts it).
  6. Find (and fill) a female role in a musical that both has a good solo(s) and doesn’t end up kissing anyone. (Men have so many more options than woman within these parameters.)
  7. Finish writing a novel
  8. Publish a novel
  9. Write a song
  10. Climb a tree as high as I can go (more than one kind of tree).