Just now I have only a few things on my mind, but perhaps I’ll add to this later.
I’m talking here about… local things; things I have seen/participated in, rather than the huge things like genocide and child abuse.
(I’d hope those things can go without saying.)
Because today they’re on my mind:
- Smashing cake in your beloved’s face, on the day you vowed before God and Man to honor and cherish him/her until death. I think something dies there. Starting with trust.
- Making course jokes about the wedding night at a bridal shower. I *hate* watching something sacred made cheap. Especially when it’s done at one person’s expence (e.g. embarrassing the bride).
- This is simply unkindness, and has no place among true friends. I’m sorry to say I’ve seen this more than once.
- Clue: if the bride’s toes are curling, you’ve already gone too far
- (Speaking of “things sacred”) Saying to a mother marveling over the perfection of her newborn, “Hard to believe she’s just a little sinner, huh.” (I’m happy to say I’ve never actually heard this from someone with children of their own).
- People saying, “I bet you’ll be glad when they go off to school!” I look these people in the eye and say I’m planning to homeschool. This seems to flummox them into complements for some reason.
I’m happy to say only 3 and 4 have happened to me personally, but you may guess I take flack as a wet blanket on the other two.
I’ve noticed with 1 and 2 people either agree with me or don’t understand why it’s such a big deal. I try to explain my reasoning graciously, and find some people have never thought of it that way before.
Some people get defensive, but those are the types where I tend to question their definition of fun.
If you find pleasure in other people’s discomfort it’s time to reevaluate.
Very interesting. 3 and 4 would bug me, too.
Number one…never happened to me, but I don’t really like that either at ceremonies.
Number 2 I am on the fence about. I don’t know if I like the coarse joking, but jokes in good fun in love about what’s to come, I don’t have a problem with.
I totally agree, especially with 2-4. #1 is just a plain dumb idea!
Excellent post. Making someone else feel uncomfortable by coarse jokes is so wrong. But I find more people say insensitive things to others thinking that they are being funny.
Hmm #1 doesn’t bother me. I didn’t want that for my own wedding, but I have known the couples that are just full of joy and teasing that you can tell they’re doing it out of love.
#2 – coarse jokes, no. A well-placed vague comment that might make a bride-to-be blush slightly, priceless. Again, it depends on the person, and group of people.
Definitely not #3. I can’t believe someone would say that!
And #4 made me smile since I would like to homeschool as well! I hate it when parents just complain about their kids, but then, I’m not a mom yet so perhaps I just don’t understand.
The reason/when #1 bugs me is I’ve only seen it done defensively, not out of “joy” or “playfulness.”
Friends of the bride and/or groom are goading one or the other, the new husband or wife realizes his/her beloved is considering it, and smashes first to avoid being taken as the fool.
Just makes me sad. There’s no fun in that.
For #2 I was thinking specifically of the list some hostesses make of “things the bride will say on the wedding night” from things she’s said during the shower.
I’ve seen this three times, and each time I thought, aside even from making the bride squirm, how inappropriate it is to put us in their wedding night.
By its very definition the wedding night ought to be more private than that, and I’d wager that’s why it’s squirm-inducing to the bride.
If we married folks aren’t talking about our own sex lives this way (and we shouldn’t be), there is no reason to parade someone else in front of us.
I’d love to see the looks on their faces when you tell them you’re homeschooling. :)
Hm, since others added their two cents, I will, too!
Though my husband and I personally didn’t choose to (he didn’t want me to be upset when my makeup got messed up; I didn’t want to get it in his beard), I think other couples decide to do smash cake into each others’ mouth because they like messes and think it’s fun! I have seen it go terribly awry. However. The bride got it up her nose and she cried. The groom felt TERRIBLE.
I don’t mind a few knowing winks or lightheartedness if the bride-to-be is an open sort-of person, but, yeah, if she feels uncomfortable it’s just wrong, whether it’s “coarse” or not. I found my shower to be awkward no matter what. I mentioned that I was going to use a gift certificate for the bedroom but I wasn’t referring to lingerie. It was because all I had gotten was kitchen stuff and a few bathroom things. Yet all the older ladies exchanged awkward glances. It was so embarassing; of course, something like that would happen only to me!
Number 3 bothers me no matter what. I don’t even like it in sermons because I can’t help but think of the mothers sitting in the congregation with “heathens” in Sunday School. I see no problem in hoping that one’s newborn is elect and simply “waiting” on his/her salvation while helping him/her toward it.
Having been on the other side of it, I am tempted to vow I will NEVER rejoice in sending my children off to school. Making a child feel unwanted is probably the worst thing you can do to him/her, in my opinion.
These are all common things so you’re mindful to bring them up.
are you really homeschooling?
When the children are old enough, yes. That is the plan.