Category Archives: Debates?

Discussions and debates both, but that was a bit long for the sidebar

Helping my Husband Help Me
or Setting Him Up for Success

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Having store-bought bread doesn’t make my husband appreciate homemade bread more. Having *homemade* bread makes him appreciate homemade bread more.

I was just giving someone advice today about not making Daddy’s time alone with the kids a negative thing, and it got me thinking.

The Argument

There seems to be a school of thought that Mom should leave the kids with Dad whenever she feels like it, and if things fall apart or are really hard for the guy, that somehow this will make him appreciate her more, because he will now “identify” with what she (as a mom) goes through. These invisibles also imply the father will or should subject himself to this repeatedly.

Apparently this is a way to “prove” his love to you and/or his offspring.

I think this is incredibly unfair.

For one thing, most dads don’t have that presence like a mother’s that can near-instantly calm a child. Do you ever wonder why Dad’s always passing the kid back to Mom? Because it *works* that’s why!

So, anything Dad’s doing, especially with very young children, will be harder for him than for Mom. Also, unless he’s a SAHD, there’s no way he’ll have internalized preferences and schedules like the Mom, has. This is another strike against him.

It’s still fine to leave him alone in charge of the kids, it is still good for him, and for Mom, but for it all to go well (and happen again with minimum resistance) a little planning should be involved: Continue reading »

Thinking About What Children’s Songs are Saying

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(I can’t believe this is my first post about music. Music is a *big* part of my life. But so is eating, and sleeping, and I don’t blog about those, so… Anyway.)

As a word-person I’ve always been very clear on any song’s lyric and content before letting my kids hear me sing it. My tip/challenge (as the nit-picky, literal-interpretor I can be):

Don’t just sing “children’s” songs because they’re children’s songs. Make sure you agree with their message too.

Many of them are sweet, and we can sing things that go over their heads if we feel like it, but at least let’s not be unaware.

The types of things I’ve modified:

  • Down by the Bay— the fun rhyming-song Raffi made popular (I’m not sure who wrote it.)
    • DH inserted, “back to my home I want to go” (replacing “Back to my home I dare not go.” Don’t we want our kids thinking coming home will be fun?).
  • Row Your Boat
    • Changed the last line to “life is full of dreams” (replacing “Life is but a dream,” an unhealthy philosophy that’s been around for centuries.)
  • Lavender’s Blue (dilly dilly)
    • “Call out your men, set them to work… while you and I… keep ourselves warm.”  (Oh, look, a new euphemism for Mom and Dad  to use.)
    • It makes me smile but also is something I don’t much want my kids singing.

Am I word-obsessed? You could argue that. Over-analyzing?  Probably.

But these are words I’m planting in my young children’s minds as the way things are. They know the bit about “A llama eating pajamas” is nonsense, because of the context, but they are only just entering the age where we can say, this part is real, and this part isn’t. And I’ve been singing to them their whole lives.

And they’re *really* not ready to understand that philosophy (somebody want to remind me of the name? I’ve mis-placed my book).

I prefer just to avoid the stuff I don’t want to explain later. And that, I guess, is my “standard” for now.

More ideas at Rocks in my Dryer.

~~~

Added 2-3-07:

If you’re looking for a playable collection of children’s songs here are a bunch with chords.

Pit Bull Defense and Analogy

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I’ve been researching dogs for a few months now, and there was a long stretch there when I was seriously considering a Pit Bull.

Don’t think I’m sick.

The practice of dog fighting was/is sick, of course, and it’s very unfortunate their name ties them so directly to that purpose they were originally bred for. But there are many attractive things about the breed, and I trusted my instinct for finding a good animal.

My 2-cents of positive PR: the whole time these dogs were being bred for dog-aggression (just as beagles were bred for their noses and greyhounds for speed) they were being selected for their ability to be man-handled under the stressful conditions of fighting.

A dog that bit under pressure was a dog whose line (if not his life) did not continue. I found an interesting statistic on the site I linked above:

Unlike the myth propagated by the media however, human aggression is NOT a problem specific to pit bulls. In fact, pit bulls tend to do better than average in temperament tests.

Okay, prove it.

The American Temperament Test Society provides temperament testing around the country for dog breeds, and gives a passing score for the entire breed based on the percentage of passed over failed within total number of the particular breed tested. As of December 2003, the American Pit Bull Terrier has a current passing rate of 83.9%, and the American Staffordshire Terrier passes [two specific breeds lumped under the name “pit-bull”] at 83.2%. In comparison, The Golden Retriever passing rate is 83.2%.

So the “average” pit bull appears to be about as stable as the “average” Golden, who, as everybody knows, is the perfect family dog.

Interesting.

~~~

I came up with an analogy tonight, and that was comparing the general public’s response to the pit bull-type with the general response of a woman, alone after dark, passing an unfamiliar man. (Come to think of it, she probably wouldn’t mind having a pit bull with her under those circumstances…)

Statistically, that man is not dangerous; there is no reason to assume something bad is going to happen now, other than bad things have happened in these circumstances before.

And, really, to protect yourself, you aught to think that way. I just think it puts in some perspective the instant fear-response that goes along with the name Pit Bull.

Ultimately, I passed on the PB for a similar reason I passed on the Whippet, earlier– while it meets many of my criteria, it is not trustworthy off-leash. One of my goals is to train a Frisbee dog, and that’s just not something you can do on-leash.

What is *Difficulty* Saying?

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Dad’s schooling issue has worked out.

The difficulty, though, caused this question to be considered: Is this so hard because we’re trying to plow our own way, without God’s help, and outside of his will, or is God just preparing to show himself mighty?

It was the latter. After allowing my parents to see that there was no human way to accomplish what they needed, He made the perfect way. There was no question this was God’s will and God’s provision.

Homeschool: Not Optional for Us.

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I think the reason Kendra’s post meant so much to me was wrapped up in #5, and the rest were about understanding and surviving in that universe.

5. For many of us, homeschooling isn’t an option. Many believe it is not only the best way for their family, it is the only way… When sharing a particular struggle unique to homeschooling, comments like, “Well, why don’t you consider putting them in school? Maybe homeschooling just isn’t your thing” aren’t helpful. Instead, offer a listening ear and your fervent prayers on her behalf.

Jay and I have talked about this many times, and I constantly pray (and begin research projects) to be prepared. I feel so passionately about this it’s hard sometimes to remain neutral when a friend or relative begins proselytizing about their own child’s school situation (or offering to help us out by sharing something from that lovely program.)

This might rankle some because I am working so hard not to do the same. Not that I yet have any “miracles” to offer, just that I refrain from sharing a list of our reasons to stay home that will inevitably sound like attack on their parental skills/love for letting their own child(ren) go off.

Disclaimer of course: I know public school is the only (or even perhaps right) option for some people. I think I am more frustrated by the unexamined expectation that *this is just what you do with your kids.*

Jay and I feel a near-moral obligation to keep our kids home, and so we (at least, I) feel frustrated by the emphasis of things (even as benign as Sesame Street) on going away to school and the hype of large crowds *just your own age* (and little adult supervision or interaction).

The more I research, the more I feel sure this is what we must do, and the more I *wish* I were the organizationally-gifted type.

Motherhood vs. Career?

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Another random-advice article.

The questions in the forum I visit have been nice writing prompts :) I think I like blogging these because they are sort of attitude-landmarks. They articulate how I feel about a particular issue.

The topic here is the question of whether a happily married gal just out of college should have babies (and stay home with them) or a career first.

Those asking the question seem to be stuck between two scares:

  1. Being unmarketable (because they’ve spent X-number of years out of the workforce).
  2. Being unable to have children without medical intervention because they waited too long.

The arguments that I was reacting to included the assertions that the young woman ought to enjoy life before becoming encumbered by children, and that (after working so hard to get her degree) she had a near-moral obligation to do something with it. There was also the question of whether she wanted to risk the happiness of her marriage on children (yet).

~

There are people who will warn you about how a baby will change your relationship, and it will, but it doesn’t have to destroy or even weaken it.

I heard a lot of stories about that while pregnant the first time. They unsettled me, but ended up not applying to us at all.

What helped us, I believe, was Jay’s paternity leave and his heavy involvement while he was home.

We were working actively on the same team and it was a boot-camp bonding experience: both challenging and encouraging to our marriage.

More and more employers (if the women’s mags are right) are seeing the value of the women returning to the work force in their 30s and 40s, and are eager for the “real-life” skills these women bring.

Trust me, you will gain valuable work- and real-world-experience learning to manage a home, live frugally on one income and stimulate/encourage your children in their individual talents.

If you haven’t guessed already I am a SAHM, and it is a full-time job. Not just the always-on-call type of full-time job, but the type I must study for. Reading and researching to stay on top of my game.

It is preparing me for so many future plans that I write them down and squirrel them away. Sometimes I work on them, sometimes I tack a future date on them, but I don’t have to deny them.

And when thinking about age, don’t forget how much (active!) life continues long beyond your fertile years. “Getting your fun in” doesn’t have to happen all in your 20s. Especially if you’ve already found your life-partner.

Just, don’t be afraid of time.

 

The goodness of Children, revisited.

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We all admire the intelligence of people who think the way we do.

Bruno Bettelheim wrote a book called The Uses of Enchantment designed (as far as I can tell) to defend and promote the use of fairy tales in bringing up children. Naturally it is referenced in a number of storytelling articles I have read. I have only just started the book, and so far it is quite intriguing. Here is a quote that reminds me of the arguments I began articulating earlier.

There is a widespread refusal to let children know that the source of much that goes wrong in life is due to our very own natures– the propensity of all men for acting aggressively, asocially, selfishly, out of anger and anxiety. Instead we want our children to believe that, inherently all men are good. But children know that they are not always good; and often, even when they are, they would prefer not to be. This contradicts what they are told by their parents, and therefore makes the child a monster in his own eyes.

I have often thought about how ridiculous it is that adults continue to assert the inherent goodness of children (as one who has cared for/observed them most of my life), but I had never before considered how it must seem to the honest and thoughtful child who is aware of his or her own shortcomings.

Indeed, if a sensitive child is told that children’s goodness comes naturally, and honestly observes that his own goodness does not– I can see that being rather distressing, even if not completely “mak[ing] the child a monster in his own eyes.”

Submission

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I am so… tied up with the fine degrees of my understanding of certain words and concepts I think I get myself into trouble.

Example:
I really like the way the authors of this book explain what submission is in marriage. They don’t say it’s not part of the job description (what I’m beginning to think people hear when I try to explain it), they say submission is not the woman’s role.

So often in the descriptions I hear, husbands (not just *men*) are to lead and wives are to submit (only to their own husband but that’s another post). These statements are biblical enough, but to line them up in parallel to each other, makes them sound like the two primary jobs.

My quibble just comes in the application of the words. Leading is action, something to do. Submission is a reaction. Not a doing.

There are those who will argue that is the whole point. I argue a not isn’t how you define a role. A role is something you do. Continue reading »

Is “homemaking” enough or isn’t it? (Pt. 2 of 4)

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Jay was having a tough stretch at work, a couple weeks of no progress on an important project. It was a Tuesday evening, and through a (what I believe was a God-ordained) fluke, everything at home was perfect:

Elisha slept all afternoon, so I was able to clean the kitchen; the girls wanted to dress-up and dance (which we all did); and then we had to clear the living room to make room for dancing (to praise music, at their request); then we were all tired at the same time and I started dinner while they played (nicely!) together.

They “helped” me make biscuits while I made soup for dinner, and Jay opened the door right as the timer went off on the biscuits. I was dressed nicely (which Jay always enjoys), worship music was playing, the girls were laughing together, and our home was the peaceful, joyful haven Jay had needed at that exact moment.

It was all so perfect I tried to make it happen again the next couple evenings, but it didn’t, and that just drove home for me that it was a special grace given to us for that needy time.

This is the image I return to when I question if I’m not focused enough on my home: the reality that God gives gifts and abilities where and when they are needed. That he provides for those challenging times. (That evening happened not long after my Grandmother died, and I think God was encouraging me as much as for my husband in helping me create a peaceful home).

Sometimes I wonder if I never read (for just myself) or wrote, whether my house would be maintained at a higher level. The answer has to be yes, if only from a mathematical standpoint, but I have to wonder if the amount of improvement would be worth what I’d have to give up.

So far, I’m thinking, No.

~~~

Side note: I recognize that everyone needs some time to recharge, or there will be nothing to give, but I get prickly when women start getting off on claims (demands) that they deserve this or that. Half the time it seems like I’m hearing, “I want it, therefore I deserve it.”

This is not automatically true.

~~~

For now I think I’m reasonably balanced. My problem, I think, is that the criteria for defining the balance are nonexistent. At least, I haven’t found them yet.

One nice thing about nursing a baby is that I get several automatic slots each day to sit and do my own thing. (Natasha, like many older siblings, started “nursing” her dolls after her little sister was born. Essential to her ritual, copying me, was having a book in front of her on the couch.)

With this baby I write, like now, when nursing. So my way of doing something ‘for me’ doesn’t take away from the kids. If I confine my writing. And I don’t always.

“Seasons” has a good application in this way. There are definitely some types of service that are easier when your children are older. Hmmm, actually, there’s at least one type that’s easier when your kids are younger too.

(More on those next time.)

(Part 3 of 4)

Is “homemaking” enough or isn’t it? (Pt. 1 of 4)

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This post got really long, so I’ll divide it up over the next few days

The Question
Advocates/encouragers of full-time, at-home moms repeatedly emphasize the work these (we) women do is valuable and worthy of their (our, my) talents. That it is enough of a job to be “just” home, without any outside work.

Then why is it not enough ministry to “just” be raising your children in a godly way? Why is “outside” ministry (working in the church, volunteering around town, sharing your talents/ giftings with others) still necessary?

I don’t know the answer.

There are those who say it is enough– though it’s usually emphasized that our responsibility varies depending on what “season” of parenting you’re in.

The idea my “season” in life excuses me, bothers me. Because it implies I’m buried (and therefore excused) now, and will have more time later; that my mode of doing will change as my children are less “demanding.” But the reality is that all three are mostly past that stage (of perpetually time-sucking).

They all play independently (otherwise, how could I clean house, or write?), and are very good for their age at waiting and deferring gratification. Sometimes I think they are advanced for their age, and other times I just enjoy it.

Because of their level(s) of independence, I feel am already at that time to question where is my balance between service and selfishness. (Though I suppose there is room somewhere for self in between those…) The question goes like this: Since I really don’t feel (perpetually) stretched by them now, does that mean I’m doing less now than I could (should)?

(Part 2 of 4)