Category Archives: Personal

About me and/or for my benefit

I Don’t do Crowds

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I strained my voice yesterday. That used to be a lot harder to do.

I was talking with two other ladies at an indoor playground with forced-air heat. (Read: loud with happy children & other noise). With barely 18″ between us we still had to work to converse.

But it was lovely, talking with two women of similar intensity and confidence.  The whole conversation was very balanced, constructive and encouraging.

~

But it reminded me that I function best in a small group of two or three. I’m basically wired to pull 1/3 to 1/2 of the conversation, and that inclination doesn’t always change as the group grows.

Yes. I know.  I’m getting better.

This basic tendency seems to affect my writing as well.  I’ve said before I have a massive cast, and sometimes loads are on the stage at once, but usually no more than 2-3 interact at a time.  Maybe 4 do, once.

This explains why I freeze up when the prospect of an “epic battle” crosses my radar.  I feel desperate as any soldier’s mother for peace-before-conflagration; largely because I’m afraid I wouldn’t be able to put off a large-scale anything… (and I’m afraid of what writing about war would say about me).

There have been three distinct times in my Lindorm novel when the action seemed to be pulling toward a war.

I suppose I’ve watched too many fantasy-genre movies– that obligatory CGI massiveness really can impress itself on the psyche.

And each time my “fear of conflict” (HA!) has forced me to find a different and (I believe) more creative solution to get to the next stage.

I can safely say that natural wiring does not have to be a liability.

Speaking of Identity

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Which you weren’t but I’ve been musing on for a while.

I used to thrive on controversy. Then I married Jay and that really must have mellowed me.  I have made near-monumental efforts to avoid making waves, and have congratulated myself on how much I was maturing.

But now I wonder if part of such behavior isn’t some form of laziness, because if I don’t set myself up to be challenged I never have to think more than I want to; I never have to explain myself in opposition to anything else.

And now Jay and I are looking at starting a family farm.

As in, a small farm designed to make our little family of five as self-provided-for as our Alaskan environment will allow.

Which, as it turns out, is a lot if you plan properly.

To go back a step, my openness to this idea really flowered when a book encouraging healthy eating pointed out that planning for food never used to be optional.  And not just in a night-before or weekly-menu way, but seasons in advance.

It’s not just possible, it used to be both normal and necessary. I don’t need to feel foolish considering such a thing.

The farm is something significant I can do to provide for my family.

The first square in the “then” category of this chart hit me hard when I first read it.  The role of homekeeper isn’t devalued by our culture simply because some nebulous someone expects a paycheck to equal value. It’s devalued in a basic and capitalistic sense because it is no longer necessary.

I can be replaced by a McDonald’s/public school/TV combo.

Tell me that’s not demoralizing.

Enough to make me lazy & useless when I don’t feel like doing anything; after all, I don’t *really* have to.

And this is about controversy because the motivation for all this effort (other than I’ve always wanted to to the little-farm thing –- delighting in the learning curve as I do) is that my husband and I really feel our country (and world) is going to change significantly before our children are grown.

I’ve been thinking of homeschooling as “adult-training” as well as book learning, so to train them in self-sufficiency is to prepare them for their adult lives.

So we (mostly I, since it would be my responsibility as Jay continues to work a full-time job) are beginning research, to sign up for workshops and seeking out like-minded people.  And the kids are right on the cusp of being able to fully understand what’s going on.

Here comes the next adventure, and I am energized at the prospect of repeating something my and Jay’s Grandparents (and our parents) did in their younger years: create a new life and identity together, wrapped around hard work and a vision.

Updating my World

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I hope this is a one-shot deal…

But today I’ve spent an inordinate amount of time figuring out things like TwitterFeed, Bit.ly, Tweeting in general, and fun stuffs like Acsii art and HTML specialties.

I resisted setting up a second Twitter or Facebook account for specific “networking” or “marketing” (barely trusting myself to keep up with the new elements I am trying to understand now).

We are currently on day 10 of 21 of our scripted eating, and I think the lack of variety, along with excessive focus on the details, is messing with my thinking processes. i.e., I think I’m even more obsessed than usual with the little things over general reality.

Also discovered #YAlitchat on ning, and signed up because one of the blogs I visited today said they have online critique groups– but I haven’t found them yet, and my patience for on-line time is just about frayed out, so I’ve accepted not figuring this out today.

~ ~ ~

I started reading On Becoming a Novelist yesterday, and quickly decided I want my own copy.  He begins with an entirely different approach than most writing books I’ve read– that is, in attempting to answer the niggling question, “Am I really cut out for this?“

Well, instead of actually answering it, he paints a variety of portrait possibilities, and since I can see bits of myself in them, I feel affirmed and encouraged that my tendency is both natural and reasonable.

This is much easier to swallow than the idea that I am irreparably messed up, so I’m thankful to roll with it for now.

As for the novel: it is decidedly on hold until this special eating project is over.  I am at the stage where I need to think of the details in relation to the whole– and I am personally at the place where I will “strain out a gnat and swallow a camel.”

Which I’m beginning to fear I’ve done already.  But those 30,000 words really did need to be cut!

Looking to the New Year

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I’ve never thought before about how many times the year “begins” for me.

Of course there is January 1st.  But there is also my birthday, April 24th (the day snow is “guaranteed” to be gone from most usable surfaces), that magical moment in pre-spring when I feel the increase in daily light that makes the impossible happen.

There is also the arrival of summer and it’s continual light followed by the beginning of the school year (Where I’ve begun buying new calendars).

But this beginning is the beginning I share with my whole culture, and it is a different kind of beginning, one where everyone seems ready to self-analyze, and maybe even try something new.

In this way I aught to feel closer and more in tune with my fellow humans than at any other time in the year.

Though, one of the things I learned this year is that similarities shouldn’t be presumed upon to function oppositely of disagreements.

That is, just because disagreements automatically strain a relationship that doesn’t mean similarities will create warm-fuzzies.  (I have to be reminded of this, perhaps because I so rarely feel similar to anyone.)  There are those who gather a sense of identity in their perceived uniqueness, and so when I (in an effort to highlight similarity) essentially point-out how un-unique they are, they feel threatened.

And, honestly, I understand the feeling perfectly.  I have to fight the almost-jealousy myself at times, but it’s good for me (and good for them if they’ll let it be) to be reminded that none of us is as unique as we think we are.  After all, “There’s nothing new under the sun.” It get’s me away a little from a false or inaccurate sense of self-value.

Closer to the rest of humanity because analysis and new beginnings are the places I so often live.  I’m not so unique. ;)

It’s Still There…

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I have been thankful how easy it is not to stress over what’s (not) happening with my novel.

I have reached the conclusion that I cannot do the next/final clean-up piecemeal.  For the sake of continuity (and other issues I have identified with the text) I’ve decided I absolutely have to have a serious “work week” where I work the novel from start to finish.

So naturally I have to wonder am I just sick of it and happy to move on, since I’m not even talking about it any more.  Then I got to talk it a bit today with someone (I don’t meet many people in real life who want to hear me talk stories, so I was pleased to get a chance to talk about something interesting).

I explained a purposeful contrast between men (and how I tried to illustrate their differing character) by how they took care of a toddler:

Kennett, the “hero,” and a good man, carries his adopted son on his shoulders and remembers to stoop as he goes through a doorway.  Ivan, who wants to think of himself as a good man, scoops up a child on his way out the door and just *nails* the boy’s head on the lintel.
These are on opposite ends of the story, so I don’t know if anyone will notice the direct contrast.

But even though that kind of conversation used to set me back onto my novel in the next hour, I actually forgot about the story until this evening when I set down to try and update the family blog a bit.  I turned on Pandora and picked my “noveling” station (since that is not something I’ll play with the children around).

And, wow.  I am conditioned. (Yes I know I’ve mentioned this before.)

I was nearly in my writing trance before I realized I was going under.  I let myself listen to a couple songs before I decided I didn’t want to inoculate myself and switched stations.

But now I’m stoked and actually have to make myself go to bed.  It is a genuine relief that (it appears) at the right time I will be able to return with a relatively small transition.

It’s that time of year again…

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But if I hold my breath, maybe the feeling will pass…

~

The NaNo forums are growing more active again as November approaches (and with it National Novel Writing Month).  I have only (as in, in the last 24-48 hours) found a measure of balance (this is without daily training sessions for the dog.  I vaguely regret now signing up for her class– but I prayed about it too…).

Add now my heart is in a flury of excitement over possibilities and delights.

I did update my status and proffer a title and synopsis, but (so far) that’s all the indulgence I’ve allowed myself.

I’m off to make fairy tutus now.  Maybe that (or the preperationless class tonight) will pull me back to reality.

But then there is that dear woman whose offered to watch the children twice a month for me to write…

On to the task at hand.

Update, September 2009

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Hmmm, here’s the quick rundown:

  • My kids have all started ballet.
    • Yes, even the 3-year-old boy, and no, he doesn’t think of it as a “girly” thing, it’s simply a kid thing since all the kids in his family are doing it.
  • Winter has arrived (not quite in earnest, but enough that to choose a walk is an act of the will)
    • to take the dog out today I wore long-johns under my corduroys, two long-sleeve shirts under my sweater and a polar fleece jacket over all.
      • And I did not feel warm until about 45-minutes into my hour-long walk.
    • Yes, it gets a lot colder, but (as I love to say this time of year) 40-degrees is a lot colder in September than in February. Which is my way of saying, we all adapt.
  • However, this is my first winter in 15 years or so that I’ve gone into cold weather without a layer of “insulation.”  I am still losing weight (almost 20lbs down since January, yippee!) and, yeah, I do feel colder.
    • But since I’ve always adjusted in the past, I imagine this winter can’t be a lot different…
  • Also, I got two more scenes done on the novel– one of them a no-brainer (7th review of a 7th revision) and one of them hard: I just added it last round, so it was needy.
  • Learning all sorts of new recipes, but haven’t decided yet how many are keepers (to put into regular rotation–assuming I have such a thing), or the best way to juggle both new and left-overs food.

So, all in all, nothing earth-shattering, or life-changing (though the ballet and the weight-loss both have the potential, I suppose), so you can see why I didn’t make mention of this sooner.  Even now I only take the time as a sort of warm-up.  I’m sitting with the children now (enjoying my illuminated keyboard and Pandora) as they go to sleep, bracing myself to jump back into the novel-revising.

I’ve stopped reading most of the writing blogs I follow.  The recurring theme is *dedication* in the form of priority to writing, which I used to Amen! with some vigor and now… I’m living a different life.

And it’s such a good life I can for no reason complain.

God is faithful, and if nothing else were true, that would be enough.

Nine Years, People!

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And to celebrate, we… backpacked 16 miles!

Not all on the same day, though.

After dropping the kids at my mom’s place we drove an hour out of town and hiked for the rest of the afternoon (up and down some serious ravines).

We learned a lot to do differently “next time” but thankfully weren’t miserable at all (the first day’s hike was through steady rain) though I might have been edging toward hypothermia by the time we reached the cabin– I’ve never been good at generating and/or retaining heat.

Jay did the fire and all the work unpacking (and packing the next morning).  We both worked harder than we’ve worked in a long time.  For me, maybe ever.

My thoughts at the end of the day:

  • I took some of the junk food I’ve denied myself for the last three months (since I was working harder than usual)– and decided I’m not missing much.
  • This “weaker vessel” stuff is totally legit. I am so thankful for how well Jay took care of me– taking care of all the details at the cabin and taking on extra weight for the trip back to help me keep pace.

Celebration of Miscellanea

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My laptop is back.

But it’s not.

I was shipped a new (refurbished) machine instead of my old one (poor dear must have been too far gone), and one of the results of getting a new machine is that it is compatible with a recently released *illuminated keyboard.*

Believe-you-me we ordered it right away, and Jay just installed it tonight. Way. beyond. cool.

So the book-cataloging software is all that’s left, right?

Well, I’ve just picked one because I got tired of comparing them, and I have the scanning gun to speed the inputting process on those books that have bar codes.

A rough, unscientific, scanning of my shelves indicates a 50/50 split (I have a lot of old and/or jacketless books), but I still think this device was worth buying.  I inputted maybe a dozen ISBNs to experiment with before I had the scanner, and those took more time and focus than the 32 I popped in tonight to see how the scanner works.

Anyway, I have one more book-buying spree on my calendar (Kids’ books are half-off next week), then I expect the rigorous reality of school to fill up all our time.

All we need now are boxes small enough to lift when full of books, and they will be quietly packed away until called for.

And I don’t think I’ve yet said it here, but I’ve lost nearly 13 pounds this summer.  I finally passed the point where I could feel the difference myself, rather than just seeing it in my clothes.

My mom’s been saying for weeks that she could see the change, but she doesn’t see me every day…

Yes, I’m celebrating.  God is good.

The Blessing of Cluelessness

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I just realized this morning that I was being insulted yesterday.

That is, I felt the interaction was unfair, and that I somehow wasn’t saying the right thing, but I was not aware until today how (basically) rude and provoking the people were being.

In their defense, they may not have realized it either. It might just be in their nature to go for what they perceive as an opening; in which case I’m doubly thankful I was clueless, because that precluded defensiveness on both sides.

Anyway, I mentioned  that life will be getting even busier soon since school will be starting, then added the clarification that we are homeschooling.

“Oh,” says Person-A, “Will Jay be teaching them math?”

“He could,” I said, surprised at the question and not wanting to make Jay look bad by saying he’s not currently planning on doing any of the teaching.

“I was just thinking he ought to be able to,” Person-A finished.

Then (this was my moment of lucidity) I realized Person-A had just insinuated it took an engineer to teach 1st-grade math.

“Are you implying,” I asked, genuinely hoping to embarrass him, “That I can’t teach 6-year-old math?”

Yes, that’s what he was implying.  He didn’t even try to defend himself.

I was surprised, but shrugged it off.  It wasn’t important to me what he thought.

It wasn’t until later that night, thinking again of the leggy Darwin fish on the car in his driveway, and remembering the sign during voting season for the local fellow I wasn’t voting for, that I began to feel something about our interaction wasn’t right.

And then this morning I realized that I had gone into the conversation utterly unprepared.

I had gone to admire a delicious new baby and prattle family small-talk and keep up positive neighborhood relations.

It was not in my mind that I was entering as an ambassador of Christ, and Homeschooling, and Conservative Thought, and Purposeful Parenting.

Lord-willing, that will never happen again.

I acted as though I was a friend among familiars, being sloppy in my explanations and imprecise in my reasons.  In short, I did more to reinforce any (diminished) view they may have of those things I represent than to correct it.

And maybe “it wasn’t that bad,” but the problem is that I didn’t enter as an ambassador, aware of what I represented.  If I’d had the right mentality going in, I know I would have done better (If I’d only know this was a job interview…).

I might have recognized the “playing” of me and my ideas before the next day, and maybe refused to play.  I want to think I’d still not be offended (it never serves a diplomat to be offended), but I could have been more “professional” and less of an airhead.

Again, not that I’m sure I was the opposite extreme, it’s just that I muffed a fine opportunity to muck up their stereotypes.

And I find that disappointing.

All the same, I haven’t yet learned how to respond politely to subtle insults, and it occurs to me that had I fully known what was going on I might have been a poorer representative of Christ than I already was.

I am thankful to have had a “learning experience” than didn’t cost too much, and find a renewed interest in investigating both the history and training of ambassadors.

It’s a study I feel could be beneficial even on a dabbling level.