Strengthening Marriages

I’m just beginning to explore the website, but Smart Marriages has already given me a lot to think about.

I love the concept of specifically creating a project out of finding ways to strengthen marriages.

One idea that sounded both simple and effective was the celebration of anniversaries (to the same or greater extent as birthdays, for example) as one way to honor and promote marriage. Such a practical idea. And I’ve already got dozens of anniversaries in my PDA along with birthdays…

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Here is a quote without a footnote, but very intriguing:

You need only do three things in this country to avoid poverty –
finish high school, marry before having a child, and marry after the age of 20. Only 8 percent of the families who do this are poor; 79 percent of those who fail to do this are poor.

William Galston, Clinton White House

Know Your Audience

At a family dinner last night there were fourteen children 8 and younger.

Twelve of them are 4 or younger, and six of those are under 19-months.

One of the dads works construction in the summer, which (if you don’t know) generally involves early mornings and long, physically-demanding hours.

He joined in a conversation his wife and three other moms were having about sleep-deprivation, chiming in with how tired he was with work and sometimes getting up with the kids, and how his wife got even less sleep than he.

“I don’t know how she does it,” he said, with the proper admiration in his voice. Nobody said anything. “I’m just exhausted,” he repeated.

Somehow we ladies all seemed to be waiting for his point. He looked around at us all and cringed theatrically.

“Tough crowd!”

Good Tea

Did you know good teas are very similar to good wines?

By this I mean they can be expensive (wouldn’t you know I’d start there), their flavor is influenced by the pH of the soil their plants grow in, different times of collection and aging affect the flavor, and the variations are nearly endless.

If you are someone who delights in the unique flavors of different wines, I’d encourage you to find a teacupping (I believe it’s called) in your area, to introduce your pallet to some fascinating flavors.

I have friend who recently began a small-business selling tea and bought a bit to support her.

I love it.

It occurred to me that the idea of drinking tea to lose weight (I’m not even going to go into this further) has a true element, if this evening’s experience holds true: it doesn’t need to be a chemical zap or a magic pill.  It simply is, and the result is a decreased desire to eat.

While drinking my oolong, I noticed that the the warmth gave me a sense of being full, and the vague, almost sweet aftertaste of the oolong itself (I don’t put anything in my tea) left my palate satisfied.

Here is essentially nothing nutritious (in a sustaining sense), lulling my body into a place of contentment and satiety.

It made me think (wouldn’t you know…) about the Holy Spirit, and the idea of feeding on the Word.

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Our gentle God does not (usually) alter the course of His created order, or make us change with a zap. He is gracious and patient with us, never changing. He simply is. And affects us by His nature.

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There is no physiological reason to find filled-ness (or refreshing, or joy), in a book, but something in the way God created us provides just that.

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Just now I am simply thankful for the warm parable in my cup: a bit of soggy-leaf juice, offering warmth, relaxation and satiety.

“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.”

James 1:17

Do we get a prize?

For a week now, Jay has cleaned the living room and vacuumed it each night.

For a week now, I have daily taken some form of outdoor, active exercise; a walk (with my dog and 20-lb “pack”), or a 17-minute bike ride.

We both feel ready for some sort of prize. I guess this is where/why someone came up with that old saying:

Virtue is its own reward.

Yeah. I guess so…

“Only 15-minutes”

Have you ever thought about the number of things we’re told we should be able to squeeze into each day because they only take 15-minutes.

  1. the amount of time added to meal-prep to make it from scratch (my unofficial average)
  2. the ab/butt/thigh destroyer (never done it, but a classic example)
  3. improve/expand your vocabulary (ditto)
  4. practice a musical instrument
  5. read the paper
  6. write a letter a day (to an old friend, to your representative, to the editor)
  7. memorize scripture
  8. read through your bible in a year
  9. journal before bed
  10. stretch
  11. take a short walk
  12. train your dog
  13. paint with your children (paint your children?)
  14. Bathe the children
  15. Shower yourself
  16. clean the bathroom
  17. tête-à-tête with your spouse when you meet again in the evening
  18. Putting on make-up in the morning
  19. washing your face four different ways before bed
  20. washing the dishes after dinner

There’s about five-hours worth of stuff there and I’ve barely touched on the basics of house maintenance and meal prep.

It really does go back to doing what we want most to do.

I think our limitations are just one more way of God to remind us both of our finiteness and of our need to depend on Him: both for the wisdom of what to actually do, and for provision in the gaps of what we are not able to do.

Current Life Summary

I just wrote an e-mail to someone I haven’t spoken to in some time. My final paragraph seemed like a great life-summary for just now:

We’re still in our house we bought in 2002, our youngest just turned a year old, and we just acquired a dog.

Anybody who doesn’t know dogs and kids thinks I’m nuts (either about the three kids or the dog, depending which they’re partial to). Me, I just feel blessed. Tired, sometimes, and frequently distracted, yes, but definitely blessed in God’s provision for our family.

God seems to have molded into my character the ability to feel positive and thankful even when I’m too tired to entirely act that way.

He is a very gracious God. I’d rather have this (and know the energy to act will eventually return) than merely be a decent actress and have to constantly redirect my heart.

Dependence

“Child-like dependence.”

The phrase makes me think of a dependence so utter that it can not even understand its dependency or articulate its need.

This is not the “cute” dependency of a baby or toddler gazing adoringly into your face as you cuddle.

This is the exhausted, hungry, sunburned child who is such an inarticulate puddle of maxed-out emotion and discomfort that she can’t tell you which need is greatest and might even reject overtures of help as attacks on her (albeit insufficient) autonomy.

My poor Melody was this yesterday. Elisha cutting teeth was this most of the night. Natasha well past nap was this today, minus the hungry.

And cross Mother is definitely at that place of inarticulate dependence.

All I can pray is, “It’s a good thing your Spirit prays for me when I don’t have the words, because I’m ‘standing in the need of’ without even the understanding enough to think what it is I should ask for.”

One More Dog-talk

This is mostly the sort of thing I’d do at my home blog, but since I don’t really get comments there I felt like gabbing here this time.

The other part of my dog’s make-up is some kind of bull-terrier. Probably Staffordshire. I made the choice yesterday (it was the morning of our monthly women’s meeting– this one was a tea workshop/tasting. Fascinating.) to say I had adopted a small lab-mix.

Entirely true, this allowed me to describe my new family member without needing to defend her, or my choice, just yet.

Actually, when I happily shared that I had finally gotten the dog one of the church mothers laughed, and said, “I knew she was either going to say she’d gotten a dog or was pregnant. I guess we’ll have the dog first.”

There is one woman in this group who also has a dog, and she seemed to understand my excitement.

“Amy has been praying about this for a long time,” she pointed out.

In a chicken-or-the-egg manner I wonder if this is why Shadow seems to fit so well– the groundwork laid, or the “right” dog provided/picked.

I suppose it’s a combination, though I like Katz’s observations in that article.

~~~

In getting a pity-lab I decided to “spurn the world’s opinion,” and in describing her as a lab, I am attempting to save us both from general opprobrium.

I think it’s not unreasonable to assume that those who will recognize (or ask about) the pit in Shadow will be close enough also to notice the permeating sweetness of her disposition.

This may only work until the first person meets her, or it may last longer. I just want to do what I can to get her a fair hearing.

It is this pit-ness that makes me ultra-sensitive to how she responds to newness, and other dogs in particular.

~

Shadow seems to be aware of people’s perceptions of her. She has reacted fearfully to the three grown-ups that were apprehensive of her but still tried to interact.

Two of these were my parents, to whom I had/have done my best to explain the solidness and general positivity of the breed locally (we have no dogfighting in our area, so the breed’s popularity is as a pet, and the majority of temperaments are representative of that.)

Shadow was very fearful of them and avoided contact until after we all went on a long walk.

By the end of that, both the dog and my parents seemed to have seen enough to make them all comfortable, and all parted on fine terms.

The most interesting thing to me about that walk was my husband did all the dog handling. A few times he jogged with her reluctant participation.

“This is a great dog to jog with,” he came back to tell us. “Makes me feel really fast: I’m out-running a dog!

His analysis when we got home:

“I don’t care what her breed is, or how they’re ‘supposed’ to act. She’s done better in two-days with minimal training than [our last lab-mix] did” in four months.

My dog-resistant husband is letting himself be won-over. That is saying a great deal.

I could make a list (but I won’t here) about all the specific ways Shadow is meshing with our family, and they greatly outweigh the small things we’re working around.

As nervous as I feel, and it is just a little (I can’t help it– can one totally ignore the pounding to mistrust?), I see God graciously re-confirming this is a proper match, and want to work carefully to secure that.

Nothing Clever Today

I’ve started this post four or five times, and it keeps being more of a laundry-list than anything else.

But:

I now have my dog.

She isn’t vizsla (though she does have the compact, muscular body with the short hair– dark brown instead of russet), and she isn’t a Brittany (though she is that size and already proving quite trainable and perfect with the kids).

I just mention the above because those were the breeds I was researching/pursuing the most recently.
A lab-mix, Shadow displays the best of the mellow of that breed, and has learned since Thursday night several things that are very desirable to our family.

She has even managed to not-bother Jay, though that may be as much to Jay’s credit as the dog’s.

It was Jay who emphasized we shouldn’t consider the animal shelter’s 10-day exchange policy as a trial period.

“I expect the transition to be bumpy,” he said. “So we just need to commit to her and go for it.”

Amazingly, the transition has been rather smooth, so far. The girls are becoming more assertive and Shadow is learning quickly.

The one rough spot we’ve had was Friday night when the neighbor across the street brought her dog over to meet our new arrival. That deteriorated into awful barking from both of them, so we didn’t trust them nearer each other.

We neither of us lost control of our animals, but neither dog really listened to our embarrassed orders to be quiet or “nice” either. We might try again in a week or two, to see if Shadow being more settled will make a difference.

In the mean-time, I’m going to begin classes with her, and I’m hoping the presence of a more experienced dog-person will make a difference in canine introductions. There have been no problems with people.

Both girls have really embraced their role as the dog’s boss (something in question earlier in the week), and Natasha’s favorite thing right now is “walking” the dog– holding her leash and pretending to chose which direction they go in. She frequently tries to “sneak” the leash out of my hand when I’m talking to someone, but I will only let them walk together in the fenced yard.

Sometimes Shadow indulges Natasha’s preference, and sometimes Natasha is reminded the dog is stronger.

It is very fun to watch them together.

What I Love About My Husband

Kathy at Mudlark Tales did a post celebrating the details of her love for her husband, and I liked the idea so much I wanted to follow suit.

(If you find this kind of celebration cloying, obnoxious or anything else negative, please look at this recent post.)

Otherwise, I hope this list gives you warm-fuzzies, and inspires you to think of all the little things that add to your delight in the package-deal that is your husband.

What this exercise does is force one to notice details, and once that began, I remembered more and more. I expect to record more as I think of them, but they will probably go in my home journal, rather than here.

This list was such fun to make I could have kept going, but I decided to stop at 50.

  1. I love that he has a job he enjoys and is happy to go to.
  2. I love that he sets the alarm on his watch so he remembers to come home on time.
  3. I love how he provides for me to be home with the children.
  4. I love how he comes home and works along side me without complaint.
  5. I love the example he is to our children of working whole-heartedly at something. At everything.
  6. I love when he surprises me by saying just what I was thinking– before I do (especially to somebody I shouldn’t have said it to, but he could).
  7. I love how he can follow my convoluted way of thinking without getting lost.
  8. I love how he listens to me to let me process; how he invites it (“Tell me about your day”).
  9. I love how he is actually engaged while he does this, and gives me the feedback I need to refine faulty ideas.
  10. I love to hear him laugh when he’s reading a book I gave him that I have enjoyed.
  11. I love to hear him read aloud something that struck him, and seeing how his mind works.
  12. I love how he can fix anything.
  13. I love how gently he ignores the world’s opinion– the way he is absolutely un-vested in any stranger’s opinion of him.
  14. I love how he asks me for more details.
  15. I love how he sings with his whole heart, even though he doesn’t have a trained voice.
  16. I love how he began the tradition of creating silly songs at bedtime, making up nonsense while I was still stuck on how I sounded instead of focusing on my children’s delight.
  17. I love how he tells me exactly what he’s thinking.
  18. I love knowing he loves me enough I never have to be afraid of what he’s thinking.
  19. I love that he notices whatever I’ve gotten done on the house, even if it’s not all clean when he gets home.
  20. I love how he enjoys everything I cook.
  21. I love how he doesn’t complain about my picky eating and knows he got a special treat when I make him something I’m not fond of (e.g. lasagna).
  22. I love that he shares my passion for ice cream.
  23. I love that he never talks about weight or exercise while we’re enjoying it.
  24. I’m so thankful he is a left-overs eater.
  25. That he values my opinion.
  26. That he trusts my judgment (sometimes more than I do).
  27. That he believes my instincts.
  28. That he is concerned with self-improvement.
  29. I love how there has never been a joke in my house about how I look in the morning.
  30. I love how he plays with our kids.
  31. I love the look on his face when he walks in to show me he got the baby to sleep.
  32. I love the look on his face when he watches me in the mirror.
  33. I love how he matches his rhythm and stride to mine whenever we walk together.
  34. I love that he drives most of the time, because I hate to drive.
  35. I love that he doesn’t complain when I drive.
  36. I love having him as my own personal furnace to pre-warm the bed each night .
  37. I love that he lets me put my cold feet on him.
  38. I love how he notices when I take extra effort with my clothes, hair or make-up, and compliments me.
  39. I love how he’ll cut the last slice from the loaf of homemade bread and take the heel to leave the slice for me. (If I’m in the room he’ll look over at me and say “I love you” when he does it.)
  40. I am thankful he doesn’t complain about how much money I spend on books.
  41. I appreciate so. much. that he will eat one-handed (i.e., with the baby) so I don’t have to.
  42. He read my novel. In it’s original, unedited, post-NaNo form. Sure, this was something of a trust-exercise on my part, but it was also a tribute to his worthiness of that trust.
  43. He liked my novel, but also had incredibly useful and constructive things to say. (My current version is massively influenced and improved by two of his three general suggestions.)
  44. He was upset that it wasn’t all written yet. This is just the coolest thing to a writer: that a reader would want more.
  45. I love how patiently he endured my brainstorming about the pattern I am designing, letting me talk until the time I could actually start drawing and cutting and sewing.
  46. I love how like-minded we are. How there are so few things to argue about because we agree on all the big things already.
  47. I love the sense of security and confidence I feel just having him around.
  48. I love how it’s sometimes hard to make birthdays or special days extra special because we’re already doing nice things on normal days.
  49. I like it that he still tries.
  50. I love that he likes to be with me, and misses me when he’s gone.

There is a quote from Jane Eyre that summarizes very well my feelings about my relationship with Jay.

To be together is for us to be at once as free as in solitude, as gay as in company… to talk to each other is but a more animated and audible thinking.

All my confidence is bestowed on him, all his confidence is devoted to me; we are precisely suited in character– perfect concord is the result.