I absolutely cannot remember where I read/heard this, but here’s how my memory plays it:
I don’t want to.
I don’t even want to want to.
But I do want to want to want to.
And that is a starting place.
I haven’t got any further in the deciding how much my will determines my own doings/ability. But I am being reminded about the faithfulness of God in the midst of our foolish confusions.
I was out and doing stuff with the kids until naptime.
Then I came home and worked in my kitchen the rest of the day.
I had the desire, was careful not to analyze it, lest I embarrass it away, and just did it. (If it hasn’t been clear before, my being up so much in the night with the baby has made housework a very. low. priority.)
~ ~ ~
It made me think of that opening quote, and what I had written in the night (up with the baby again) when I finished my 100-things list.
One section I titled, Eight goals I want to want enough to make happen.
I prayed as I wrote them, but the prayers were half-formed, confused things. All I could say was that title.
Here is a progression:
Do I really want to know the truth? Do I really want things to be different?
For a while I actually enjoyed being up in the night, because I got more time to myself, and time to write. Admitting that was honesty. Agreeing it wasn’t good for my body was wisdom.
I have been given a cheerful heart. I often can’t find that when I’m overtired. More honesty and finding wisdom.
Also an openness for God to help me change what I can’t change (or haven’t changed) on my own: my attitude and my actions.
Two translations put it this way, and I love the dual meaning of this phrasing.
God will give you what you want. He will also give you what to want.
This was what I needed. I want to want to obey. I don’t always know what that looks like. To have my desires pull me towards something I know God will find pleasing…
I have to say, this is peace.
Elsewhere the scriptures say
I am seriously thinking of putting up little signs around my house that say,
“Have you tried asking yet?”
My children and I go through this daily. They’re not allowed to say, “I can’t.” (It usually comes out whiny, and I don’t like that either). They are supposed to say, “I need help.”
Seems I should take a page out of my own book.
Perhaps in confirmation of all this, I also found this verse, and it seemed a most fitting conclusion to dwell on.