Category Archives: Personal

About me and/or for my benefit

Still Chipping Away

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I’ve officially made it to the half-way mark.  Yay me.

More accurately, Yay God for providing the people who share my world and my kids.

I’ve worked on my novel on the mornings my children play with friends, and in the evenings I’ve been continuing to get ready for school.

(Starting on the 17th of August.  Clock’s ticking.)

One element of preparation has been to work out a schedule, and toward that end I’ve been working my way through the MOTH workbook.  This morning I officially *finished* assembling a (mathematically) workable schedule.

I have made schedules before, and they didn’t “work” for me, but based on how useful I found WW– despite it not actually offering any new information– I figured a very basic, highly structured approach could also be useful.

Best as I can evaluate so far, it has been.  I’m looking at something that seems possible, that I’ll only have to implement half of for at least a month.

The interesting thing about this workbook is how it guides you to begin by listing “What God wants you to accomplish in a day.”  This starts things out with a proper perspective, and keeps my to-do desire  in perspective.

Since we know that God prepares the work he has for us to do, and that he prepares us for the work, there is in my mind the settled assurance that everything He wants me to do for Him (and it’s all to be done as to the Lord, right?) will fit.

With the focused use of time, I can interact individually with my children, and (at least) begin teaching those things I’d be disappointed if I didn’t try for.  I also have a slot for writing each day and for maintaining my home.

Those slots may become somewhat interchangeable if I can prove to myself that maintenance is possible with less devotion, but for now the fact that I can have a sacred hour every day should make it easier to do home-keeping first.

~ ~ ~

Moving into the second half of the novel, I am going to be meeting “younger” work than I have revised in years. And while I console myself by saying these “first-draft” additions are probably already at the 3rd- or 4th- revision level (if I could compare their quality to my first-first draft), they still are very young and un-tried.

So I have to expect the process to be slower.

Still, I am excited, because I now have a level of comfort that I won’t need to abandon the writing altogether, making it easier to spread my focus out as I continue to prepare for school.

I know how to move slowly; I just don’t want to stop moving.

And here we come back to knowing what God wants of one, and trusting that he will provide a way to obey.

I know God wants me to write this story.  I do not know yet if He wants it published, but I know I have to be responsible for my own obedience, whatever He plans to do with it.

An example where a fairy tale helped me

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My first child’s birth was a blur. Roughly 12 hours from the first contractions till I held her.

My second’s birth was 3 hours, start-to-finish, with approximately 4-times the intensity of the first one.

Facing my next delivery less than two years after that unpleasant surprise (the labor, not the baby) I felt an understandable measure of anxiety about the impending birth.

Like many Christians I quoted Philippians 4:13 to myself, and focused on the certainty that I could trust God’s provision for every need I may have.  This took care of my rational self, but not my emotional self .

For that part I fell back to the time-tested principles of distraction and deflection when possibilities of fear or discomfort offered their presence.

Then, at some point during this pregnancy I was doing some tale-searching and came across The Princess on the Glass Hill, a story I read years ago but had forgotten the details of.  The part that stuck with me was the Cinderlad enduring each increasingly bone-rattling earthquake with a simple observation.

“Well, if it gets no worse than that, I can manage to stand it.”

And in that simple line I “found my peace.”

The line became a mental summary reconciling my emotional state with reality: See, it *hasn’t* been too much; I’m still here.

Therein is the power of story. Truth that couldn’t bang through the frantic defenses of my fears opened the door with a simple key.  And who but God could have orchestrated the finding of just the right story at just the right time?

Every good and perfect gift is from above, and I pray that someday more of those gifts will be more accessible to hurting children, without the stigma hanging over them of what some people incorrectly think fairy tales mean.

Round Two Tomorrow

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So the silence is not deceptive I will say it: I have not been writing or reading.

I have been tending to real life: Primarily, learning a new way of cooking and eating, secondarily managing my household and planning for school come fall.

I have started a few books, but not continued them because that instinct to stay only with what will delight me (also known as what I wish to be like) has made it easy to let them go uncompleted.  I do have a queue now, waiting for my attention, for various reasons (though any of these could be thrown aside for reasons as fickle the most recent).

In The Ill-Formed Mute I encountered what I’ve only heard of to this point: a fantasy assuming an adult audience, and stretching that audience for all their brains and patience are worth.

The story was all about setting (which, for my just-get-to-the-story self required discipline to stick with as long as I did), and set-up.  I could see the purpose of all of it, but it was far too distracting to actually get lost in the story.  I’d start to lose myself, then the author would use a $25 word that reminded me I was reading.

She did have deliciously original similes though, and some original ideas that the flap-copy somewhat ruined the suspense of (such is life for us long-story tellers).

Anyway, tomorrow Jay’s giving me the day to write again– splitting the kids’ day with a family friend. I’ve done one scene since last time when I got through a quarter of the novel in the *Whole. Day.*

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Everything in this World Comes from Something.

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I have tried at least three times to start Elizabeth George’s book Write Away.  I have been interested enough every time, but never gotten very far before being distracted by life.

I used to read only non-fiction primarily for that reason: you can quit at any point and (honestly) not be missing anything.  After all, I made it this far in life without the information, and so I should continue to do at least as well when I go on.

The one thing I latched on to from her book (and I do adore this) is the abbreviation THAD for Talking Head Avoidance Device.  That is, anything– a fist fight, a walk, a crying baby to settle– that breaks up a conversation with some measure of action to keep it from being nothing but a talking-heads scene.

Because of that I think in terms of THADs.  I need to convey information here.  What can I use for this scene’s THAD?

I love writing arguments– maybe because I avoid them in real life, or maybe because I get to feel clever no matter who wins because I’m writing both sides.  But creating an argument with a believable THAD is a challenge– and I feel like I’m running out of new ones.

I have two (unwritten) scenes that I’ve cut from the outline because, despite the engaging argument itching to happen, I have no THAD to hand.

~ ~ ~

What follows is a near stream-of-consciousness exploration into a very emotional event where I felt both threatened and in-control– and that’s sort of my definition for a scene that is engaging (never mind what it might say about me.  It works for now).

~ ~ ~

When I was 18 I worked after school in an elementary school library.

I was more oblivious than I am now, and still wonder if the young adult guy who worked there thought he was flirting with me.  All I can remember, honestly, is that the fellow was alternately fun and creepy.

On one of the creepy days he was hanging around the workroom where I was repairing books (read: my back is to the room, and therefore him).

In his defense, this was where the extra computers were, so at least he had a purpose to be there.

He came up behind me and snapped a pair of scissors open and shut behind my ponytail.  I turned and snatched the scissors from him, doubtless with fire in my eyes.  My heart was beating like crazy and I can’t remember if I wanted to hit him or run for my dad (who worked just down the hall).

To his credit the fellow backed off, but he was full of “lighten up” and “What’s the problem?” responses.

What he couldn’t have known (and I don’t think I told him) was that earlier in the day I’d been in Government class where I sat several times a week with my high school bullies: a collection of girls who spent the between-classes times attacking my personhood.

Which on one level was eye-rolling in its immaturity, and on another frustrating because I hated how effective their attacks were.

That morning I was (as usual) in my own little world, trying to ignore the rude girls.

And then I heard scissors behind me.  Just as I *knew* R wouldn’t have the nerve to actually cut at my hair, I believed these girls would take my whole ponytail.

I spent the 90-minute period trying to pay attention, take notes, and pretend chewing on the end of my hair was a way of concentrating and not a defensive act.

Having a second, identical  “attack” in the same day, from a person I knew how to confront (I have always found it easier to confront males than females), I was completely primed and he got the brunt of it.

~ ~ ~

So there’s the story behind the latest THAD I’ll be playing with for my novel:  I think somebody’s going to lose some hair.

Yes, I Am No Extrovert.

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I am in an exhausted daze today.

Not the lack-of-sleep kind, either.  I am simply drained.

It’s been so long since this happened that I was digging for what I used to explain it in the past.

There is a sine wave theory that I used to subscribe to, that any amount of high-energy or “upper” experience would then be followed by a crash of equal extremity.  Once I recognized the pattern I learned to expect it.  And while I never liked the crash I at least wasn’t caught by surprise.

Having this way of thinking firmly embedded led to some surprises as I got older.

For example, I never crashed after my fun times with Jay.  I never consciously came off the high of “the honeymoon phase” after we were married.  And while I get the “I want to get back to my book” and “I want to work on my project” urges, I’ve never had the I need my space moments I’ve read about.

Since being married I’d had so few “dropping” moments that I was near congratulating myself about how “level” I’d become.  Part of me wondered if I should be disappointed I was missing out on some wild “highs” but I was quite happy/content, and figured any more was worth missing if I continued to skip the lows.

Now, from my older-and-wiser perspective (and the little I’ve learned about introverts), with the experience of the last 24-hours fresh in my mind, I think I got it wrong with the sine-curve model.

The perceived high was real– generally supplied from a great deal of mental stimulation and rapid-fire conversation with a group of people.  The following crash, corresponding with what I’m feeling today, was not a whiplash or punishment for having fun, it is simply my inwardly-wired system trying to rebuild after a higher-than usual drain.

My interactions tend to be with one individual or thinking “in well-worn grooves of thought.” Rapid-fire conversation with a number of people, or very long conversations over many topics are exciting to me.  They sort of prove my brain to myself, and I enjoy that; but it’s distressingly similar to over-working your body in Ultimate Frisbee.

~

You don’t just quit because you’re tired or sore– you get the adrenaline (or mental) rush to get through it competently, even well, but you’re gonna feel it the next day.  And I am.

~ ~ ~

I used to think I was very different from Joule– her high-energy, outgoing, never-quit-ness.  But I was wrong.

(Stop laughing.)

Change the tennis ball to an interesting conversation, and I’ll chase it till your arm gets tired without slowing my outrun.  As with Joule it’s the “bringing it home” that will show my weariness.  I’ll attack the idea, catch it up in a neat little package, then forget the point or how to bring it home.

So you’ve been warned.

~

Just now I feel like Joule after one of those outings: flopped out; eyes squinched shut, hoping everybody will choose to step over her rather than make her move out of the way.

And even so, you pull out that tennis ball and the light goes on in her eyes…

I’ve been warned…

This morning was going to be a phone calling day.  I think that will have to wait till tomorrow.

7 Quick-Takes (Vol. 9)

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~ ~ 1 ~ ~

Last time I “taked” I felt wobbly about specializing.

This week  I embraced the gift it is.

All my life I’ve felt pulled between all the things I love and all the things I do well, and it was only recently I released most of them to consciously focus on writing as my first (extra-curricular) priority.

On Tuesday I lived a day that reminded me of the turmoil I used to live in my trying to do everything.  It was energizing and exciting… and nothing got done in my home.  My children played more with other people than with me.  Okay for a day, but I wouldn’t want to live this way.

~

I am so thankful for the opportunity God provided to let the other things go.

~ ~ 2 ~ ~

Fertility in fiction.  You ever wonder why there isn’t any?

I played with the idea of a closer-to-natural fertility in my novel.

That is, I sat down with my time line and two major families then calculated how many children they ought to have with normal health in a pre-birth-control era.  This quickly became overwhelming by sheer numbers and I turned evil-god and gave one family a bad marriage and the other miscarriages.

They still ended up with 5 and 7 births, respectively, but it was good practice in understanding why so many stories center around 1- and 2- children families.  I no longer am certain those choices strictly reflect a lower view of large families.  Rather, I see it as an example of something most novelists wrestle with–simplicity enough not to drown.

~ ~ 3 ~ ~

Does anybody here remember Colby? This is the sort of music I grew up on.

At my mom’s yesterday I played the record for my kids.  The “computer” elements have not aged well, but the music and the clear communication of foundational messages is still *solid*.  The music caught my emotional memory in ways I never expected, and reminded me of how much I wished I could play piano– I can’t think of another way one person can teach two-part harmony.

The sweet two-part harmonies are the exact thing I want to teach my kids and their Sunday school class.  If you ever hear of this being re-issued on CD, let me know.  I have some scruples about giving away copies of recordings, so I haven’t done that, but I wish I could get “Make a joyful noise” into every home in our little church.

~ ~ 4 ~ ~

Tonight I’ll be going to a “ladies’ retreat.”  I’ll be overnight away from home, sans kids, husband and novel.

*What* am I going to do with myself???

Is it too much to hope that I’ll get good sleep?

~ ~ 5 ~ ~

I’m considering joining Weight Watchers.  I have several friends who’ve spoken well of it and the structure it provides.

My resistance comes from the cost and the reality that I– in theory at least– already know what to do, so paying someone to *watch* me do it seems weird.  It makes me think of what my mom says about those who have that gastric-bypass surgery: “If they can change the way they eat afterward, why not before?” (I’ve been told reasons, but they’re pretty gross)

~ ~ 6 ~ ~

I haven’t been reading much since I started this last revision, but on one level I see this as a basic defense.  For me, reading (beyond the recreation and enjoyment of it) is to gather input and ideas for my own work.  At this exact moment I am not in a conscious idea-gathering stage and don’t want to be distracted from the “basic clean-up” I’m working on completing.

Honestly, if there is some huge structural flaw, or major twist or revision that needs to be worked in, I am not in a mental/emotional state to apply it, so I’d rather not increase my awareness just now.  I’ll re-engage after I send this out.

~ ~ 7 ~ ~

I have a stack of “animal-transformation” novels I’m working my way through (in the not-this-minute sense).  Also found an interesting book  called The Beast and the Blond with a chapter about animal transformations and the difference between males and females with the affliction.

All sorts of assumptions and discussions about the differences between male and female troubles and attitudes.

Fascinating stuff this.  To me.

For more 7 Quick Takes visit Jen’s Conversion Diary

Other 7 Quick Takes on Untangling Tales

Music is Everything

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Not really.  But it’s the example of how you really do train yourself through familiarity.

I have been listening to the same  PANDORA station for more than half of this latest revision, and though I felt draggy when I turned it on just now (to start some folders and files flying before I crash), the feeling left both my mind and body when the familiar voices started.

It was like a switch was thrown– sort of like months ago when I’d sit down to sip some white peach tea and read over the last batch of work before diving into the current stuff.  The smell and taste seemed to slip my mind into a new groove.

Lately when I remember to heat water I don’t remember to go back.  Or I don’t remember to take the bags out.  Or I’ll have it at my elbow and I won’t finish the pot before it goes cold.  *sigh*

I need some kind of tea cozy.

Anyway.  No, I haven’t done any serous work on my novel since the 3rd.  But I had a huge break that day and expect to be done with my final 24 pages by the end of the week.  I’m only waiting until it isn’t music keeping me awake.

I don’t think I’ve said here that my annual physical ended with the complementary assurance that I’m actually quite healthy, and the various aches and pains I’ve been feeling could be neutralized by a combination of core-training (e.g. Pilates) and more sleep.  (I’d assumed it was just aging and I was stuck with it, but she assured me otherwise.)

~

That suggestive thought has had the effect of making more aware of my tiredness every night since.  None of my other habits have changed, so I wonder if I’m just listening louder.

Maybe that’s what the music does– it gives me something else to listen to.

Finding What Fits

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To finish a thought from yesterday’s post, I’m not trying to be critical, or imply that true artists won’t doubt themselves.

I’m feeling the odd security of coming at this from the “other side” as someone who’s been *good* at a number of things, and only have this one where I can’t stop.

(From another conversation, I offer a this:)

The story goes that there was an aspiring young musician who cornered a world-famous violinist and begged the master to listen to him play. If the master was encouraging the young man would devote his life to music. So he played and when he finished the master said: “You lack the fire.” Decades later, the two met again, the young man now a successful business man. “You changed my life,” the man said. “It was a bitter disappointment, giving up music, but I’ve had a good life in the world of commerce. But I’ve always wondered, how could you tell so readily that I lacked the fire?”

“Oh, I hardly listened when you played,” replied the master. “That’s what I tell everyone who plays for me–that they lack the fire.”

“But that’s unforgivable,” said the younger man. “I could have been another Kreisler, another Heifitz–“

The old man shook his head. “You don’t understand,” he said. “If you had had the fire, you would have paid no attention to me.”

Just in the last few months I have become more and more at peace with writing as my vocation (the timing made me think of my friend’s comment about entering my 30s).  And as I’ve shifted my thinking from the many to the few I’ve felt an increased peace.

A lovely Boundless article about dreams and calling has this wonderful definition of vocation from Frederick Buechner:

“[It is] the intersection of your own deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger.”

I don’t think we need to feel gladness every moment we do this (I don’t think I’ve yet dredged up joy while I’m mopping vomit in my mother vocation) but having no joy, constant annoyance, or even sorrow, should be clues that something is missing.

I’m a pretty steady believer in the concept of a hierarchy of needs (though mine doesn’t line up exactly with Maslow’s), so I’ll back up a moment and say that this seeking vocation is basically more detailed work than is even relevant without first having peace with God through submission to Jesus Christ.  That is the place to begin if you lack peace in your life.

~

Here I must repeat one of my *favorite* quotes from C.S. Lewis that was so useful to me when I first entered this stage of awareness:

God makes each soul unique. If He had no use for all these differences I do not see why He should have created more souls than one. Be sure the ins and outs of your individuality are no mystery to Him; and one day they will no longer be a mystery to you.

There are those who think Christians should never be unhappy if they really have a correct relationship with God.

There are those (not religious at all) who believe the right soulmate will make them fully happy (and any evidence to the contrary is generally taken instead as evidence they have not yet *found* the right soulmate).

I believe there is a happiness and delight that can only be found in right relationships, but I also believe there is no shame in seeking out what your own “differences” are. Like Lewis wrote, If [God] had no use for all these differences I do not see why He should have created more souls than one.  

Since we’ve experienced more and less happiness, we know degrees exist, and so it is entirely reasonable to assume some things can make us happier than others.

In the same way that I could adapt to being a firefighter but don’t think I’d ever be a really good one, I could pursue another vocation, and learn contentment from God within that less-comfortable situation.  But thanks be to God, He has not asked me to do that.  I can be true both to God and the nature He put into me, finding greater joy in that than (I believe) I’d ever find as a firefighter, or anything else God didn’t make me to be.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

[The original post included a giveaway that is now closed.]

Education as Savior

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Here is an attitude pervasive through our society, and unless you are looking for it, there’s no natural reason to be wary of it.

But it isn’t Biblical.

It was most clearly brought to my attention within the last month, as I was reading Wilson’s The Case for Classical Christian Education.

Modern society does not want to recognize the existence of and problem that does not admit of a human-engineered solution. This solution invariably comes down to some form of education.

I saw the perfect example of this when reading the introduction to a popular education book on the way back from Anchorage this weekend. It was clear the author sincerely believed that if only we could get this education thing *right* we’d finally have everything we’ve hoped for.

That idea might have struck me as vaguely creepy before, but it hardly seems fair to argue against. After all, what other means do we have to even attempt pursuing this high goal?

It was after reading that paragraph from Wilson’s book that a number of things I’ve been struggling with began to come into clearer focus.

I must say, writing a novel while living my life has the tremendous effect of forcing me to see innumerable parallels. Wasn’t I just talking about seeing things more clearly? Things I sort of knew already, but couldn’t quit get at because they weren’t quite… clear.

Anyway, having something before my eyes always makes a tremendous difference for me.

I’m not saying self-education is a bad thing (I live on a steady diet of that); I’m asking, Where is the first place I turn?

If we were not so dependent on the Holy Spirit we could claim our own efforts (frequently to self-educate– some of us) were our solution, our salvation.

In the same way that I can hardly complain of not understanding everything about God (3-in-1? Jesus incarnate = 200%?), I’m beginning to think I should not be surprised when my own efforts or *will* is insufficient to accomplish something.

And I’m beginning to wonder if this is so often the reason why a project may fail, even with with the best of intentions and planning: We really can’t do anything on our own; Jesus himself promised that.

It seems to me we must take that dependence as the most essential starting place, and throw ourselves on the mercies of God if we expect to get anything significant accomplished.

But don’t you dare take that as a suggestion to do nothing. I affirm the “folksy” saying (with my own observations):

Pray as if everything depends on God (because,of course, you know it does). Work as if everything depends on you (because you don’t know how much of it does).

Salvation, of course, is by faith. But blessings (and I would include success here), the Scriptures tell us, are measured out by obedience.

But to finish what I started:

Education is the solution only as much as ignorance is the problem. That is, for “defects of character” or manifestations of Original Sin, education has no relief to offer.

But Jesus does.  We’ll be much more effective when we start there.

Examples of some Likes

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In my Magna Cartas post I got pretty specific about what I like and don’t like in my entertainment.

I decided it would be most accurate to say entertainment, as I feel the same about these theses whether I’m reading, writing or watching it on-screen.

Some of my favorite examples.  It’s easy to see why my favorites rate that way, as they fit so many of my criteria.

  1. Physical (especially trans-species) transformation
    1. Any number of folktales.  Also,
    2. East and
    3. The Hound and the Princess
    4. A Well-Timed Enchantment
    5. The Silver Chair (C.S. Lewis)
    6. The Cat who Wished to be a Man (Lloyd)
  2. Music as part of story
    1. East
    2. Dragonsong and Dragonsinger (McCaffery)– These are her only books that ended up on this side of the chart.
  3. Well behaved animals (impeccably trained or sentient)
    1. The Hound and the Princess
    2. Fire Arrow
  4. Mysteries that go deep into folklore
    1. The Perilous Gard
    2. Moorchild
  5. Making necessary elements of folk/fairy tales natural
    1. Ella Enchanted (Levine)
    2. Fairest (Levine)
    3. The Perilous Gard
    4. Shadow Spinner
  6. Genuine peril
    1. Enchantment
    2. The Sea Wolf (London)
    3. Inkheart            Continue reading »