Category Archives: Personal

About me and/or for my benefit

Letting the Cork Out

Posted on by

More than once I have seen the advice about keeping your writing projects to yourself.

The idea runs that if you are impelled to write about something, but talk about it before you write it, the writing may never happen.

There are a couple explanations for this:

  • The psyche’s subconscious need to tell the story/information has been satisfied
  • You use up your enthusiasm talking, and have no energy left for writing
  • You begin doubting the idea and self-editing before you even start

This “dire” warning weighs on my mind occasionally, for more than one reason.

First of all, I can see that it’s right. I can use talking about (and organizing) my writing projects to avoid actually working on them. Or I’ll feel an element of one or all of the bulleted points above.

The other reason I think about it is because it doesn’t apply to me.

Yeah. Makes sense to me too.

I’ve said before I process by working through (talking– or writing– about). Writing as a Second Language promotes a corner of the way I think: hash it it the the language you know best (speech) and that will help refine it your second language (print).

The question I face is, How do I reconcile my personality with the prudence to be more closed about my work?

To learn internal processing makes the most sense.

Yeah…I’m working on that…

(Starting a new project. Not going to tell you about it. ;) )

My Work

Posted on by

Let me do my work from day to day,
In fields or forests, at the desk or loom,
In roaring market place or tranquil room.
Let me find it in my heart to say,
When vagrant wishes beckon me astray,
“This is my work – my blessing, not my doom –
Of all who live I am the only one by whom
this work can best be done in my own way.”
Then I shall see it, not too great or small,
To suit my spirit and arouse my powers.
Then shall I cheerfully greet the laboring hours,
And cheerfully turn, when long shadows fall
at eventide, to play and love and rest,
Because I know for me my work was best.

Henry Van Dyke

I got *a lot* done today. Forgive me a list of accomplishments.

  • Cleaned girls’ room despite their lack of interest/assistance
    • The lack of interest proved useful by allowing me to actively (not secretively) thin their playthings.
  • Tidied (that work looks wrong…) all the back of the house
  • Vacuumed the (finally!) cleared floors in back of house
  • Directed the girls’ finishing their daily chore (emptying dishwasher)
  • Defused numerous spats related to being tired and feeling “deprived” at not being able to play or go outside while they dragged their feet over getting their room finished.
  • Read with the girls

This all before noon. At noon, two little cousins arrived and began round two of my day

  • Babysat two extra kids for an hour– played outside with two babies and three preschoolers, got some great pix.
  • Made and supervised lunch
  • Read-to and got all three kids to nap at once
  • Cleaned both bathrooms
  • Swept kitchen and dining room (this has been daily through Spring season– I am very thankful for our new laminate floors)
  • Mopping kitchen and dining room (desperately needed)

All this cleaning was at the direct expense of cooking– I had nothing planned/ready for dinner and we ended up snacking/convenience-fooding our way through the evening.

But I really didn’t mind.

All this on top of yesterday’s accomplishment of getting *all* the laundry washed and folded has left me tired (a little) but very pleased with what I’ve accomplished.

The Beauty of Provision– One Pearl From a Necklace

Posted on by

Carnival of Beauty

After two weeks in the hospital, my 87-year-old grandmother died on Tuesday evening, August 1st, 2006.

Before, during, and after the event I saw God’s provision, like a beautiful string of pearls, poured into my hand. It conformed to my shape– my unique needs– and continues to glow with beauty and value.

~ ~ ~

God knows what we need before we ask for it, and sometimes provides before we know to ask.

It is no small thing to say that *God is Faithful.*

~ ~ ~

Since January (when we’d been forced into a 1-car lifestyle) I’d been stopping in to visit with Grandma early every week, and found myself in a wonderfully comfortable “girlfriend” relationship.

We talked about hopes and goals, kids and husbands (even though hers had died two years before).

Our relationship was almost defined by its one-on-oneness.

When we knew that Grandma was dying (faster than the rest of us), and everyone began to arrive, I fought off my feelings of possessiveness, thankful they’d all made it before she was gone.

I wanted very much to have more time alone with her, but knew it would be selfish to ask.

When I arrived on Tuesday morning the rest of the family was down the hall (Mom was re-explaining the progression of Grandma’s illness) and there were a couple of ladies from church in Grandma’s hospital room.

They would sing occasionally, but Grandma was no longer responsive.

I opened my guitar book on Grandma’s bed and played. I don’t know if she heard the quiet music, but I leaned over after I finished and said right in her ear, “You just heard my first recital, Grandma.”

She and Grandpa always worked to be at every game or concert we grandkids were in (even when Grandpa’s hearing totally abandoned him).

The being there was very important to them.

When I finished my music the other women left.

I was alone with Grandma again; something I never guessed could happen.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I believe now that the design of the hand at rest is just one more way God is gracious to us.

Sitting on the edge of Grandma’s hospital bed, I held her hand, and she was able to hold mine. Not because she tried– she couldn’t try anymore– but because a hand at rest closes into a shape that fits another hand.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I sang a song. I cried while I sang.

I felt the heaviness and the preciousness of the time.

We weren’t rushed. No one barged in on us. It was everything I didn’t know how to ask for.

When I finally just couldn’t sing anymore, I lay forward and rested my cheek on her boney shoulder.

And she pressed it into me.

She still knew me.

We had our last morning together.

Should I offer advice “publicly?”

Posted on by

I just popped back over to a forum I haven’t visited in a long time and ended up leaving a huge (for a message board) post of advice to a gal asking for info for a virgin bride.

The stuff I told her I have written at least twice before via e-mail to different people (didn’t save either time, *grumblegrumble* so I’ve had to rewrite it every time.)

Now I’m thinking about putting it here so when it (inevitably) comes up again, I won’t have to rewrite it, I’d just point to it.

At first I thought I’d be too embarrassed to do any such thing, but then, imagining I don’t have many readers (and most of those in the demographic I talk to about this stuff anyway), I figured the benefits would be worth the risks (hey, I’ve got a good spam filter).

Now, I don’t have a counter and I don’t know how many people actually stop by here regularly, so I’d be swayed by just a couple comments, but:

Who thinks I should put my “advice column” on my blog for linking to in the future?

(And, if I put it up, expect a lot of posts in a short amount of time to push it off the bottom.)

;o)

This could start a whole new “advice” category… hmmm….

My Protective Man

Posted on by

There is something undeniably esteem-building to know someone finds you worth fighting for.

To see a surge of protectiveness in a man is something close to thrilling.

The main problem, of course, is that none of us (I believe) are actually interested in having our Beloved in the position of danger that we imagine could precipitate that situation.

All that to say I saw an utterly “safe” exhibition of my husband proactively defending me this weekend.

Jay (if there has ever been a question in anyone’s mind) is the computer- genius in our household. I am certainly literate, but he is the poet.

It was Friday, and he was looking at my internet activity after he came home from work, noting how much I’d up- and down-loaded.

“Was this an average day?” he asked, and I immediately began wrestling with a strangling sense of defensiveness.

“Yes, I think so,” I said, trying to remember just what I’d done, and whether I’d been on enough to be embarrassed. “Just a couple of posts on the family blog– general updates.” I relaxed, deciding I was fine.

He was still looking at the little flickering graph on my screen.

“It says here you’ve uploaded three-hundred megabytes today.”

“What?!”

“And you’re still uploading…” He killed the internet connection.

After poking around a while and reaching his verdict, he called me back into the room (I was making dinner).

“Go ahead and close all your windows,” he said. “I’m wiping your computer.”

And that’s what he did. He transfered all my projects to a portable drive, wiped everything off, and spent the next three nights and the days (Friday, Saturday, Sunday) reloading all my programs.

My computer has been glitching for a while now, and this was the final straw.

It is now “cleaner” than it was when it arrived from Dell.

I am very well-taken-care-of.

I Am Thankful Today

Posted on by

Actually, I’m thankful most days.

But today I am giving a thank-you note. (It is my husband’s birthday.)

And, because I want to remember what I wrote, and maybe give some married readers an idea, I’m putting it here too.

If you read this here, too, Teena, I want this to be honoring to you.

If you read this and want to know why it’s such a big deal to me (other than the obvious) my previous post explains what my mother-in-law did that was unique. She did what every mother needs to do, with less support (I dare say) than most.

Outside of card:
Just a note to say…

Inside of card:
…Thank you, Teena.

Thank you for Jay, and the gift he is to me.

I know he wouldn’t be everything I need today if he hadn’t had you to prepare him for where God would place him.

Thank you for the time and thought you invested in guiding his heart and education.

Thank you for the effort you took to give him a foundation in spiritual things.

Thank you for introducing my husband to Jesus.

Thank you for your faithfulness, Teena.

You have blessed me, more than you’ll ever know.

–Amy Jane

4/9/2007

I wanted to share this idea with more people, so it is now my WFMW this week.

Blessings on your day!

Why I’m Thankful for My Mother-in-Law

Posted on by

My husband grew up (literally) on an island.

A tiny island that only his own family lived on, miles and miles away from the next batch of humanity. It’s still 60-miles away from the nearest town, though a village has since been planted closer.

There is no church, of course.

Jay was home schooled, and remembers being gathered with his brothers to listen to The Children’s Bible Hour on the radio every week for Sunday School.

More than many mothers, his was directly responsible for the information that shaped her sons’ minds and character.

~ ~ ~ ~

I wrote her a thank-you note for my husband’s birthday today.

After I finished writing it, I brought it to Jay and asked his opinion.

“She’ll like it,” he said, shrugging. “She’ll cry, and hug you.”

“Does it bother you,” I asked, “for me to gve her so much credit? Do you feel belittled to have me place so much emphasis on her work?”

I was trying to feel out the source of an unnameable something I felt when he handed the card back to me.

“No.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

He was quiet for just a moment, then said, “I guess I was reminded how important I am to you.”

~ ~ ~ ~

And I guess that’s why I wanted to post this today: because it’s my husband’s 31st birthday, and he is so much of my world.

And he wouldn’t be who he is today if it wasn’t for a faithful mother.

Lyric

Posted on by

 

Though your life may seem to sound a dark and minor key,
It will someday shift itself to major.
And the lyric of your life will rhyme with nothing less than joy…

From a Michael Card song

I love musical metaphors. I don’t often see them.

This is from Poiema, a CD with several *good* songs, that I’ve had since High School. Just was thinking of that last line today.

Lines about Joy always catch my mind.

Doing What We Really Want to Do (part 3)

Posted on by

(Actually writing this down is a little embarrassing. It seems painfully obvious once it’s in print, but here ya go):

My final conclusion: I was right the first time (The second time too– but that wasn’t where I raised the question).

Barring other hardships, we really do do what we want to do. But, if you don’t get something done, that doesn’t have to mean it’s not at all important to you, or that you don’t care about it; it primarily means that you care about something else more.

~ ~ ~

This train of thought started with I’m Stuck, which I wrote after a Sunday School teachers’ meeting where I was fixated the idea that because I don’t do better/more preparation I must not want to. It made me feel that I must either be very undisciplined or simply not value my role of teaching the little children.

Neither of which I felt was quite accurate or fair.

In Getting Un-stuck, I shared a sort of “holding pattern” God led me to while my plane of thought (Oooo– I’m upgrading! Hmm, Or down? Anyway…) circled around to queue up for another attempt at a coherent landing.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Yesterday I sat down and made a list in one of those SAT, go-with-your-first- instinct sort of ways. Up to this point I think I was putting things into two categories (this is where the trouble in Stuck came from, I believe):

  1. Want to/important to me– I do.
  2. Not important to me/don’t want to do/not interested– I don’t do.

I felt an embarrassing sense that what was important or unimportant to me could be ascertained merely by looking at what I did and didn’t do.

And now I think that is only partially true.

Yesterday I suddenly had three categories (which, technically, was four categories, since I didn’t list anything from the above #2).

I began creating a more finely articulated hierarchy of priorities. Everything on the list was important to me, or I wouldn’t have put it there.

Sunday school came in at tier 3, which was utterly appropriate, even when I came back to think on it more.

  • Tier 1 had to do with our nuclear family, God, and my callings/ability.
  • Tier 2 was those things I’m primary responsible for and/or want to do. They make my daily life more rich and peaceful.
  • Tier 3 was where my periphery interests sit, and the things I do simply because they need to be done.

Jay asked, “So you really put teaching Sunday school lower than doing housework?”

“Well, yes,” I said (having my epiphany). “Home is supposed to come before outside ministry. Putting Sunday school in tier three didn’t lower teaching as much as it raised (emphasized) that housework sits at Tier 2.”

That was one of those needed-to-write-down-to-understand things.

I seem to have a lot of those… But at least I’ve got the mechanism down.

House Update

Posted on by

Mainly because of my confession below, I wanted to say that I’d scraped together the energy to pull together my front room and make it baby-friendly again.

(My version of baby friendly is somewhat different than his: Elisha rather liked having a floor to graze from. He’s managed to recover from his disappointment.)

And this morning I caught up on some dishes while the girls played with water in the dishwasher door. I was disappointed, though, that the water doesn’t all just pour into the dishwasher when you close the door (like I thought it should) or even drain out once it’s in.

{shrug}

File away for future reference.