Category Archives: Personal

About me and/or for my benefit

Why I Do What I Do

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I was in an analyzing mood today, and so all of you faithful/careful/hapless readers get to be the blessed recipients of the result of this exercise.

Actually, I found it to be a very useful exercise and encourage anyone to try it.
(And, yes, I noticed that my wife-ness didn’t hit the list, but I think that is indicative of the way God works in our marriage– all of it has been quiet, natural, and nearly invisible. So it almost never makes it to a list.)

One of the blogs I read encourages finding/creating a purpose statement for your life/writing/work. I’m not ready (focused enough?) to do that, but this list is probably the next-best thing– and I really like it.

It goes like this:
I am drawn to a number of different things in my daily life. Why? Do they have a purpose? What do I hope they accomplish?

What I want to do?
Why I want to do it?

Why write?
Because I hope to somehow touch lives beyond my family without detracting from my primary responsibility and assignment.

Also because it helps me better understand myself, so that (Lord willing) I can better/more efficiently improve myself to be a useful tool and effective witness for my heavenly master.
Being less of an embarrassment to myself is an additional perk.

Why Guitar?
Because I’ve always felt competency in an instrument it is somehow a part of a “complete” life, along with the husband and children and so on.

While not wishing to diminish the the intensity of the desire for children, this is the best analogy I’ve found so far: There is a image of older women desiring children; that they feel a hole, along with a sense of urgency while they wait. That’s the best way I can describe my “need” for excellence, or maybe just existence, in this realm of music.

Being able to sing (even well) is somehow not enough, in the way that these women, while perhaps willing to adopt, desperately want to hold their own baby.

It is a very awkward need to have, truly, because I’ve found little internal motivation (e.g., to practice) beyond the bloated sense of need that it happen. The means of happening is woefully under-funded.

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Dad Got a Moose!

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Speaking of provision (because I so often do)…

My father is an elementary school teacher, so he doesn’t get much time to hunt (teachers only have 2 days of personal leave). He goes out over Labor Day weekend, and sometimes on another weekend or two, but usually he can’t go hunt.

Even so, God has nearly every year provided meat, either through a shared kill, an antlerless hunt permit or by a call from someone we know on the edge or just outside of town, saying there’s a moose in their garden or back yard.

My father hunts with a bow, so he can hunt in places a gun hunt (i.e. residential areas) wouldn’t be allowed.

Now, this being Alaska, we really do have “neighborhood moose” wandering around various subdivisions. I remember one sleeping outside my window when I was in high school.

My old (as in, arthritic and going blind) dog once rushed one when she thought it was going to hurt my mom. Got kicked really good, too. Usually there’s less drama.

Yesterday’s seminar talked a lot about “hidden rules” that exist in different groups (the main focus there was economic levels), and how easily relationship can be damaged or destroyed by unknowingly violating these hidden rules.

I was trying to think of hidden rules that serious in my own community. Serious enough to damage relationship (there are many unspoken “understandings,” but most of them just reveal if someone is assimilated Alaskan or fresh from Outside). I’ve only thought of one so far:

You never shoot the neighborhood moose. I only remember one time when a neighborhood moose was killed, and there was so much outrage you never would have guessed we’re a hunting community.

So Dad never stepped outside and shot a moose on his own property, because we always lived in a neighborhood. He knew the “rule.”

But he lives now in my grandparents’ house. It’s still in town, but not in a neighborhood, so when he went outside last night and saw a moose he was free to grab his bow. It took some tracking (and my mom drove the Subaru to where it finally fell), but with the neighbors’ help they got it all cut up and hung in the garage by 1:30 this morning.

God is so faithful to provide.

The Danger of Trusting God

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I guess a better title might be “The Danger of *saying* you’re trusting God.” Or maybe just, “We’re trusting God too.”

Barbara at Mommy Life is working on an article about Evangelicals (basically non-Catholics) who have given up birth control and are trusting God for their family size. She acknowledged “full-quiver” (having as many children as you can?) isn’t exactly what she’s trying to talk about.

The comments are full of personal stories, some quite inspiring, and (though I haven’t finished going through all of them) thankfully free of calls to sameness or the implication that all Christians are called to this type of obedience.

Jay and I haven’t felt called to this type of “openness to life.” We’ve felt peace about three biological children being the appropriate number for my body, and expect that to tie into plans God is giving us for when they are older.

My difficulty with this (and the reason for this post) is– you guessed it– the language.

There is no way (I have yet found) for a couple to express their calling to a large family (or whatever number they’re given, free of the plans of men) without somewhere, in some way, saying they’re “trusting God.” The unfortunate opposite of that is, of course, implying not trusting God.

I believe that couples (assuming they have sought God rather than only their own plans) can still be “trusting God” when they use contraceptives.

I feel very strongly that there are very few medical (or conscionable) reasons to use hormonal birth control or IUDs. There is enough question–some will say proof– about their abortifacient nature that I don’t think a pro-lifer should use them without careful consideration.

That said, I do believe there are contraceptive methods that are quite acceptable choices for believers.

I think of it as a stewardship issue, and compare trusting God for your family size to trusting God for your family finances.

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How do we see past *now*?

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I figured out why I buy so many books, and why I bring home these ridiculously large piles (or bags) from the Library. And I found it in a Robert Frost poem.

Many People Are familiar with “The Road not Taken,” particularly the last two lines:

I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.

What caught my mind more this reading was the end of the third stanza:

Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

This is why. This feeling that once you leave something behind you are nearly choosing to be wholly done with it.

Because of this, I will sometimes take hold of more (be they ideas, activities or books,) than I can reasonably consume, just because I feel half panicy that I may never return if I pass it by.

I need to start asking myself what I’d really lose if I never came back. I’ve lived without it until now, right? Right?

I suppose I’m revealing an undisciplined nature here, since, at least in theory, I shouldn’t have to utterly give up anything, just re-time it. But despite my attempts to remember otherwise, I sometimes still get fixated on now.

Jay and I were discussing this, and we decided that the main challenge comes from having no track record. After all, the first two-thirds of our lives were spent understanding and keeping up with short-term goals.

Clearing My Desk

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This Works-for-me Wednesday is a bit cluttered, but also offers useful reminders.  But then, I guess there’s no way for piles not to appear cluttered…

I make notes all the time, and periodically clean out the used pages in my notebooks. If I still want to remember what I wrote, it goes in the pile on my desk.

One I found today:

It’s as if we think Jesus included, “Blessed are the uncomfortable, because I’ll feel sorry for them.”

Discomfort is not a prerequisite to godliness, and, unless properly handled, will do nothing to draw us closer to Him.

Another is the start of a list I wrote as Grandma was in the hospital. When the ordeal began I was driven to distraction by my writer’s-mind. By the end I realized there was more I wanted to remember.

  • Smile at sick people.
  • Busy lives can hold back even people who care.
  • Affirm people for (even just) presence, if it’s encouraging.

I suppose any of these four thoughts could feed a whole post, but this is all I want to say for now. I’m sure you may find additional meaning if you wish.

Current Reading Material

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Borrowing the idea from Georgiana and sharing my reading shelf today.

reading-shelf.jpg

I read in a way that would have made me crazy ten years ago. And, you can see for yourself, I am woefully short on fiction. As in, none. I think this explains why my mind more naturally gravitates to blogging than to fiction-writing these days. It’s the stuff I’m spending all my print-time with.

Non-fiction.

You see, as “gifted” and articulate and meaningful as any of this content may be, I have not yet found any of it so magical that it is hard to set down or pick up in any given chunk. Yes, it benefits from continuity, but I benefit (more ?) from training my brain to make sense of the new bits, whatever order they come in.

It frequently causes me to see things in a new way because of the new context, and that is exciting to me.

My reading shelf currently consists of books that I have started, and have read enough of to know I want to keep reading. Probably to finish.

I’ve been feeling more of a desire to add to my toolbox, and time interacting with my children. That has started:

The desire to build my interactive life with God has started:

  • Devotional Classics (one of my top ten on my 100-things about me list)
  • Intercessory Prayer (Fascinating first couple of chapters! I’m so glad I was driving with Jay as I read them. *Had* to talk about what I was reading.)
  • Mark for Everyone (A book the men have been using in Sunday school– The women just rejoined for the first time in a year) A commentary that is only the *starting* place for discussion in class. I am very impressed by the amount of thought and planning Nate is putting into the class. He is doing a fabulous job leading.

Mark‘s taken over Nehemiah for now. At least until I’ve caught-up in the book to where the men are. It’s good reading. Aptly titled, For Everyone.

Then there’s just the stuff that’s just for my own absorption and personal edification:

  • The Angel and the Ants (The only thing on this table I’ve actually finished, but I’m wanting to revisit several parts).
  • Orthodoxy (a lower priority, but intriguing enough to keep me going)
  • Life Management (ETA: swapped this out for the one on the bottom)
  • The Read-Aloud Handbook (from 1995. He sites stats in here that really make me want the current edition. Can’t it be better by now?! But what has changed in ten years? I have to say I don’t know one way or the other.) This is on my personal list because I’m trying to train myself that this sort of thing is about me and my habits.
  • Becoming a Writer (Written in 1934, this is one of those serendipitous finds I’ve absolutely loved.) In contrast to another book I have, this one very plainly says if you find yourself unable to do the {two main recommended/suggested} exercises, or that they are too hard, you are probably not a writer. Give up quietly and go enjoy your life.

I love that. A practical litmus test.

So, there, the third reading list I’ve mentioned on this blog. Not that I ever finished the first two– my needs and priorities shifted. I can’t help that. I probably write them more as my own milestones or because of what they reveal about me at this point in time.

I’m not the sort of person who will stick with a book when it has lost its usefulness. After all (to coin another paraphrase):

Books were created for man, not man for books.

ETA:

book-cover.jpgThis will replace Life Management on my shelf.

I mention this for two reasons (neither of which that you need to care):

    • It’s an intriguing book I hadn’t heard of before I saw it on the “used” shelf, which may be the case for others.
    • I’m making a real effort this list to read quality, useful stuff, and limiting myself to what will fit on my narrow shelf-top, so if I wanted to add this one, I had to ditch another. There was only one I was currently waffling on, so there ya go.

      Seven Happy Years

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      Friends
      Elizabeth Jennings

      I fear it’s very wrong of me
      And yet I must admit
      When someone offers friendship
      I want the whole of it.
      I don’t want everybody else
      To share my friends with me.
      At least, I want one special one,
      Who, indisputably
      Likes me much more than all the rest,
      Who’s always on my side.
      Who never cares what others say,
      Who lets me come and hide
      Within his shadow, in his house —
      It doesn’t matter where —
      Who lets me simply be myself,
      Who’s always always there.

      I have been so thankful for the refining journey God is taking me on through marriage. Over and over I’m reminded we were created for fellowship (with one another, as well as with God) and marriage is the lovely way He provides for that basic need to be met.

      I used to be offended (almost) at the insistence that marriage is hard work. It sounded too much like complaining, and complaining seemed nearly blasphemous, or, at least, to be begging for trouble (Oh, you think that’s hard, huh?).

      My image has shifted slightly since then. Now it’s more like comparing marriage to a garden. A garden takes work to prepare and maintain, but that’s no shame; that’s what distinguishes it from the wilderness.

      I have become a different (and better) person because of Jay, and that’s in God’s plan. For every believer our ultimate goal is to become more Christ-like, and knowing our good God, he is going to assist that process in the way most effective for each of us.

      The sentiment in that poem is reflective of my (basically) selfish nature. It wasn’t until I was married, though, that God let me know a part of it was okay. He designed us this way, and uses it (as he does so many things) to reveal another aspect of himself.

      This reminder of God’s jealous nature for his people (including me!) should be very sobering, and even encouraging (if that’s the right word). It shows me a different type– or maybe it’s just a different side– of the love that died for me.

      Speaking of Music…

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      Here is a Dad Song to pair with the Mom Song.

      Both have been around for a while, but I just found the dad song today (Girltalk).

      I laughed-to-crying at least four times during the 4-minute run-time. (Can anybody guess I needed this today?) My kids (especially E) now start laughing every time they hear the intro.

      More evidence about Mother setting the mood in the home.
      Sweet Jesus let it reflect you.

      *This* is the type of music I love!

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      (My first attempt at embedding YouTube video)

      I got to see these guys live two days before Elisha was born. I remember feeling some Braxton-Hicks and being so sad. Even praying Not tonight, *please*!

      A $30 ticket was part of that, but more it was just having heard some recordings before and wanting to *see* it. I loved finding these videos.

      This was the first song I ever heard them play (on a CD I got from the Library). I find the coolness-factor of making this sound with only guitars just way up there.

      This one you have to listen through– you won’t “get it” if you move on after 30-seconds.

      How I started Rising Early

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      Short answer: Elisha, almost 16-months old.

      How I started making it reasonable/sustainable: the ideas in this article.

      The embarrassingly simple summary:

      1. Pick a time to get up (Elisha does this for me– between 5 and 6).
      2. Get up at that time (again, The Boy).
      3. Go to bed when you (because you are paying more attention to your body than your wants or “needs” for me-time) feel tired or sleepy.

      And that’s basically it. You get up earlier, you feel tired earlier, you (Lord-willing) go to bed earlier, and so get to sleep earlier.

      This makes the earlier morning-waking easier.

      Jay and I have often talked about earlier rising and how much better it was for us to steal our personal time then than at night. But we had the approach backwards, and it never worked– trying to go to bed sooner (hard when you’re *not* sleepy at the moment) and expecting to sleep and then wake sooner.

      That’s my WFMW tip: Don’t start by trying to go to bed earlier.

      The first day was a killer (Up at 5:22. Not by choice.) and Jay put the kids to bed so I could sack when my body gave up, but since then I’ve paid more attention to my tiredness signals, and press the kids’ bedtime a little more consistently when I’m feeling tired (put all three to bed by myself last night!).

      This coincides with our decision to be done nursing (E is out of the physical- and emotional- dependency stage and more a habit-nurser now) and my being more consistent in prayer and seeking to be more God-honoring in my habits…

      I suppose that’s a lot of qualifiers and explanation, but I’m finding more and more– in everything from sleeping to teaching reading– nothing happens in isolation. It is all connected. God may have been waiting to teach me early-waking until he knew my new habits would be more honoring to him than my old ones.

      The Boy has slept “through the night” (some of you know why that’s in quotes) four nights in a row now. His sisters combine for 1-3 wakings in a night, and I usually split those with Jay. This lesser (!) night-work has made early-rising much more manageable. And I love how I feel in the morning.

      And how peaceful my house feels.

      I find myself able to sit quietly (E still gets his morning nurse because we both need it) and pray and prepare my heart and mind for the day. I’m growing very fond of this time “to myself” because I am not fighting my body’s attempt to tell me I’m abusing it.

      It’s like one of my favorite scriptures says:

      His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.

      For life: if I listen and obey God’s prompting and provision (Every good and perfect gift comes from above!) to go to bed when I’m tired, I benefit.

      For godliness: if I listen to God’s prompting to use the first quiet moments of morning to order my heart and day before him (and by this, I don’t mean yet planning the day, other than when I will be in the Word), I benefit.

      I am growing to think it’s a similar principle to tithing.

      When we make the point to obey God’s design, he provides gloriously through what remains.