I don’t think that Warren’s or my point is that you have to be completely the same, or that that could solve/preclude all problems. It’s more to point out that there are advantages to similarity, and knowing how things are between you is part of going into marriage “eyes wide open.”

Did it say anything about Need for Sleep? That’s something I don’t think remotely crossed my mind before marriage, but we have had to work through that difficulty. I truly need 9 hours of sleep a night, and Matthew can function at top level with only 6. That leaves me needing to go to bed hours before him, or sleeping in, or else take a nap during the day. We do all three as needed, but it has caused frustration for both of us at times. “Why won’t you stay up and hang out with me?” “Why don’t you want to come to bed with me?” etc.

I think the things that my hubby and I are opposites on actually work to pull us together because we have to learn from each other to compromise. I can roll with the flow more easily than he does and when we come into the middle, I learn that there are things I shouldn’t put up with and he learns that it’s ok for plans to change. And politics, while we are not at opposite ends of the spectrum, I lean far more liberal than him. (Meaning I tend toward the middle and he is very right.) But in talking things over, we find ways to come together in the middle. Now if only the politicians I know of would do that. . .

Anyway, being married to someone who is, in many ways, my opposite, really helps pull me out of myself.

However, we do agree on many of those basics you mentioned, so maybe it’s not all that hard for us. Hmm. . .

I suspect birth order plays in here somewhere; didn’t you once say you were an oldest?
Jay and I are both “middles” and (statistically speaking) we’re less likely to argue anyway.

and so much more and yet we still find plenty to argue over. (Discuss might sound better there.) Of course we’ve known each other since we were 4 & 8, so I suppose that has a lot to do with it.

I loved the analogy I heard some months back about the woman needing to be a “coach.” I suppose it was the author’s distinction to still allow the man to be the “leader” while allowing the woman a great deal of influence/power.

There are some things that women simply *get* before or better than men, and I feel it’s unkind to watch them stumbling through figuring it out (or missing it) on their own if we can help. Of course that presupposes a relationship where such interaction is possible, but once there it gives you (me) an image to guide my choices.

(It works really well for the couple in my novel because Linnea is having to teach her husband the basics of human interaction: social limitations and so on.) And of course it can work the other way, but we’re not talking about that, now. So there.

I still admire the persistence your dad and brother in law showed. I wish more men these days were like that! It seems all the ones I know run as soon as they encounter any difficulty. A lot of it is scheduling. Planning ahead is a skill they don’t possess. They can’t comprehend the fact that I have substantial responsibilty with my job and that I can’t just drop everything the minute they want to have fun. Then on top of that when I suggest an alternative day/time they won’t work with me. Yeah I admire men who don’t give up easily.

Tell me that isn’t magic. I won’t believe you.
Big magic is a scary thing.

My life was already pretty good– nothing like the many tales where the heroine has nothing to lose by taking a leap into the unknown (why do you think she’s got it so horrid at home? Why else would she leave!?). Even with a planed/calculated leap you have no guarantees.

And saying yes is making not only the first step of a commitment, it’s also saying I finally believe this *something* is real and worth displaying to the world. I had resisted such declarations up to this point, perhaps because of pride or fear; I didn’t want to be in a position where I could be proven wrong.

As for the asking three times, it was my dad who asked my mom 3 times to marry him. My brother-in-law only asked her to date him for his three times. (Jay says this is much less impressive– hardly worth mentioning– but it makes for a better set-up than just my mom’s story.)

By the time it came to them becoming engaged no one was surprised. I told her I’d been expecting a proposal for a long time– ever since I heard him say, “I know I won’t be marrying you, but I better approve of the guy who does.”

What is it with saying yes?