We’re All Psych Cases– or at least sinners

I am doing some light research about some psychological issues for my novels (latest article, “The mystery of loving an abuser”). One of my novels has a side-character enmeshed in an unhealthy relationship, and the protagonist in a different novel avoids something similar.

Both times, though, just trying to figure out how all these minds work and the interplay just fascinates me.

It made me think of an observation I made after reading a blog post about discovering Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Maybe it’s just me, but whenever I read descriptions like this I get a twinge, seeing shadows of myself. But then I remind myself that things like wanting to feel significant and noticed are normal parts of being human, and are not in themselves unhealthy.

I never cease to be impressed by the appearance that nearly every problem or disorder is the extreme of a normal human feeling and/or a natural part of growing up that didn’t pass in its proper time.

I think the hardest part about learning more about these issues is discovering how statistically irredeemable people with these problems are.

I don’t like irredeemable.

I think I would have been like Frodo with Smeagle (in Lord of the Rings)– it would have scared the snot out of me, and I wouldn’t have have the guts to pull it off without a Sam to share watches with, but I’d have wanted to risk it.

When we remember that all sin is Sin in God’s eyes, and that all sin separates us from God, hoping for the villain’s redemption is maybe a way of hoping for our own.

When there is hope for him, there is hope for me, you see?

It also holds out a hope for those I love that I know are still separated from God.

Is anything too hard for the Lord?

The Braided Rope– a Tuesday Tale

I have written this off the corner of a memory of a description of a tale.  I welcome anyone pointing me to the original source so I can give due credit.

A young man and woman married despite the desire of her family.

They did not expressly forbid her to marry, for there was nothing wrong with the hard-working young man, other than he was a fisherman.

“You will be poor, and most likely widowed in your youth!” her mother would moan. “Then what will you do?”

But the couple was determined, and as they began their new life together the wife shyly presented her husband with a gift of her own lovely hair, braided into a small ornate rope. He tucked it into the inner pocket of his jacket, in order to have it always close to his heart.

As everyone had known would happen one day, the fisherman’s small boat was caught out in a storm, and he knew he was lost.

With all his great muscles straining, he fought the winds and rowed until the waves ripped the oars from their locks.

Looking toward the shore he saw his beautiful wife standing on the rocks looking out over the ocean.

Her long hair whipping in every direction because of the fierce winds, he feared she would be knocked into the sea. At the same time he knew she would risk that for her last chance to see him.

The fisherman pulled out the ornament of hair she had given him. It was frazzled and matted from long months in his pocket, but he didn’t notice. All he saw was his bride standing by the water, and felt sorrow not at dying, but for leaving her alone, and his own grief of parting from her.

Impulsively, he kissed the cord of hair, and saw his wife look up suddenly.

In a gray boat tossed like a toy in a gray sea, she saw him.

She held out her arms to him, and without thinking the fisherman dove into the ocean.

Kicking off his huge boots and pulling with all his power through the icy water, the fisherman felt the braided cord clinging to his fingers as he swam. Waves continued to break over him, but they never pulled him under.

Every time he cleared his eyes again, there was his wife standing in the shallows, her clothes dripping in the downpour. She would be waiting with a rope to throw him– if he made it close enough.

He began to feel a warmth that reminded him of her arms. He swam more slowly, and the sound of the wind seemed to be growing muffled.

At that moment he felt a rope against his hand. Coming instantly alive he wrapped it round his forearm and began to fight the waves with renewed hope.

The cold was burning him now– innumerable lances of pain weighing down his limbs and screaming at him to give up, but in the rope he could feel the touch of his wife’s hands. She, who loved him enough to risk being pulled into the sea. His anchor. His tie to land and life.

The combination of storm-twilight and salt-spray now obscured her from sight, but that she held him– defying the sea– was undeniable.

At last he felt rocks underfoot. He stumbled toward the shore as though running downhill. The rope was still in his hand when he collapsed beside his wife.

“That was a good throw, my love,” he said, as she clutched his head to her pounding heart.

“We must get where it is warm,” she said.

“How far do you think you threw it?” he persisted, leaning heavily on her shoulder as they walked toward shelter.

“It was with you the whole time,” she said

The young woman held up the end of the rope he still clutched. He could see it was firm and untangled, woven in the same pattern as the token she given him so many months before.

But this rope was far longer. Long enough to reach from storm to shore, and strong enough to bring him safely home.

“And all the times you’ve been away,” she said, “I’ve never let go of it.”

Something to Remember

Don’t rebuke an adult the first time s/he does something stupid.  Odds are good they know it was dumb and are mortified enough they’ll never forget it.

This has been true for me more times than I care to remember.

I Have a Wonderful Husband

Just in case there is any question.

(I realized a visitor popping by might see that previous title and guess I’m a whiner or don’t have a good man. I’d hate for either assumption to be believed.)

On this blog I’ve written some of what I love about my husband, and given an example of his protectiveness that was quietly affirming.

And in the last two weeks as I’ve been recovering from pneumonia (and the overdoing it while sick) his vacation time has been spent covering for me again.

Basically, I didn’t want to miss another opportunity to honor Jay and thank him for all he does to serve this family. We would not be able to make it without him.

I know I have a very unique man. I also know that God has been giving Jay special grace for this challenging time and teaching him things through it.

This has not been an easy time for him.

My husband doesn’t help me with anything!

In the catigory of Unsolicited Advice That May Someday Be Useful, I offer this essay I gave someone on a message board a while back.

~ ~

The context (generalized somewhat) is a woman with an infant that will only accept the breast, and married to a man who is not participating in child-care or helping maintain the home.

He does have a job. He is working 9 to 5-ish. He just seems to think (if he is thinking about it) that providing for the financial needs of his wife and child fulfills his responsibility to the family unit.

The wife wishes she could change this perception, but nagging (if she’s tried it) hasn’t worked yet.

She is exhausted by her many responsibilities and seems hounded by the “advice” of the (I would hope) well-meaning women praising their own involved husbands and urging her to “stand up for herself.”

My response was long and rather different than what had come before.

Continue reading »

Hmmm, again.

After my dog-training class this evening a woman asked if I was a teacher, or a writer. I accepted being called a writer and asked where she got that idea.She said she has “a sense about these things,” and connected it to my choice of words when I spoke.

“Listening to you talk, I figured if you weren’t, you could be.”

I found it complementary, though I can’t say exactly why.

~

It made me think of a conversation I had before I started blogging (I wrote a lot of e-mails in those days).

I was discussing the idea of writing as a second language with a friend at church, and he said something along the lines of, “You must be really fluent then, because you sound just the same in your e-mail as you do in person.”

This probably applies to my blogging now.

Again, I felt pleased that my “voice” was so consistent.

Though, honestly, one really ought to verify an item is something of quality before being pleased at its easy recognition ;)

Poems and Grandpa

“Was it unexpected?”

Funny how that seems to be the first thing people say when they hear someone has died.

I heard it after each grandparent, and found myself very seriously responding, especially after my grandmother’s death, “Of course it was expected– no one lives forever. But that doesn’t mean we were ready for it.”

With my grandfather it was the day after his 91st birthday, he had had a lovely day. My 17-month-old had finally smiled at him, and accepted his friendliness. At dinner that night he prayed, thanking God for His great faithfulness and provision in a long and challenging and lovely life.

When I first learned he had died I was rather shell-shocked. But when I was able to think again I remembered two poems. My mother loved the first, and we used it in the folder at his memorial service.

To Be of Use
Marge Piercy

The people I love best
jump into work head first
without dallying in the shallows
and swim off with sure strokes almost out of sight.
They seem to become natives of that element,
the black sleek heads of seals
bouncing like half-submerged balls.

I love people who harness themselves, an ox to a heavy cart,
who pull like water buffalo, with massive patience,
who strain in the mud and the muck to move things forward,
who do what has to be done, again and again.

I want to be with people who submerge
in the task, who go into the fields to harvest
and work in a row and pass the bags along,
who are not parlor generals and field deserters
but move in a common rhythm
when the food must come in or the fire be put out.

The work of the world is as common as mud.
Botched, it smears the hands, crumbles to dust.
But the thing worth doing well done
has a shape that satisfies, clean and evident.
Greek amphoras for wine or oil,
Hopi vases that held corn, are put in museum
but you know they were meant to be used.
The pitcher cries for water to carry
and a person for work that is real.

My grandfather was generous and a worker his whole life. This poem encapsulated beautifully the meaning of good work, and what it meant to him, defining, it seemed, his whole view of himself.

This next poem is harder to peg down, but it expresses so well the emotions of my loss, even when it doesn’t match intellectually or spiritually what I really believe.

A Dirge Without Music
Edna St. Vincent Millay

I am not resigned to the shutting away of loving hearts in the hard ground.
So it is, and so it will be, for so it has been, time out of mind:
Into the darkness they go, the wise and the lovely. Crowned
With lilies and with laurel they go; but I am not resigned.

Lovers and thinkers, into the earth with you.
Be one with the dull, the indiscriminate dust.
A fragment of what you felt, of what you knew,
A formula, a phrase remains, — but the best is lost.

The answers quick & keen, the honest look, the laughter, the love,
They are gone. They have gone to feed the roses. Elegant and curled
Is the blossom. Fragrant is the blossom. I know. But I do not approve.
More precious was the light in your eyes than all the roses in the world.

Down, down, down into the darkness of the grave
Gently they go, the beautiful, the tender, the kind;
Quietly they go, the intelligent, the witty, the brave.
I know. But I do not approve. And I am not resigned.

Poetry has been so useful to me in recent years, providing my tired but hungry mind with satisfying bites of thought already put in order.

I hope these bites might also offer some encouragement to other readers.

Straightening a Hair– a Tuesday Tale

A poor farmer was moaning to himself about his ill lot in life when an enormous djinn appeared before him.

Naturally the man was terrified, but he could not be silent when the djinn demanded his reason to be discontent.

“Good master,” said the man, “I have land enough, and this year even seed, but I cannot afford to hire the help I need to prepare and sow all the land.”

“You think you have too much work to do?”

“No one could do so much alone.”

The djinn offered a deal to the man, promising him great wealth if he were able to keep the djinn occupied until noon. Of course the man would lose his life if he failed this condition, but he felt himself in no real danger.

Eagerly the man agreed to the terms, and the djinn returned the next morning at sunrise.

First the farmer set the djinn to clearing and planting his lands. This he finished in less than an hour.

Then the man ordered a well be dug. Half an hour.

Realizing he’d made a bad bargain, the man became afraid, but thought of a third task– to dig a cellar and prepare the foundation for a grand home he would build if he somehow survived.

While the djinn was working at this task, the farmer went to his wife and confessed his folly, begging her forgiveness and attempting to set his affairs in order. She would have none of that.

“You say he must have a new task as soon as his current one is complete?”

“Yes. And he must continue to have a task until noon, or my life is forfeit.”

“Then, husband, there is no worry at all.”

She pulled one curly strand of hair from her head and handed it to him. “Tell him your final task is for him to straighten that hair.”

The man was horrified, but had no time to think of an alternative, for the djinn had completed his extravagant request in less than an hour and was back demanding more work.

Tremblingly extending the hair, the man told him to straighten it. The djinn took the task as seriously as all the other work.

He pulled at it, stretched it, smoothed it across his hairy goat leg. Every time he released the end it sprung away from his enforced straightness. As the sun climbed higher he began to grow angry. He put the hair on an anvil and hammered so hard the hammer broke.

But nothing he could do would straighten the curly hair, so he had to give the farmer what he’d promised.

The Role of a Wife

 

 

I have often had occasion to remark the fortitude with which women sustain the most overwhelming reverses of fortune. Those disasters which break down the spirit of a man, and prostrate him in the dust, seem to call forth all the energies of the softer sex, and give such intrepidity and elevation to their character, that at times it approaches to sublimity.

There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up, and beams, and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. No man knows what the wife of his bosom is–no man knows what a ministering angel she is–until he has gone with her through the fiery trials of this world.

From a fascinating essay by Washington Irving entitled The Wife.

Also from that:

True love will not brook reserve; it feels undervalued and outraged, when even the sorrows of those it loves are concealed from it….

“Undervalued and outraged.” I might have used the same words myself. Above *many* things I hate to be excluded from the minds of those I love.

I have an essay of my own, about this role of women/wives, that has been percolating since March.

This reading has rather awakened the idea again. I’ll have to see if it’s done gestating…